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Demotivated and depressed, how can I still do my work?

NAS66857

I'm a University student doing a full time marine biology and coastal ecology degree, which would usually have all the dry academic study mixed in with lab practicals and field visits, but now due to the pandemic obviously all I'm able to do is sit at home. 

Instead of actually doing my work I've ended up spending all day every day trying to avoid it and becoming increasingly more anxious about how behind I am. This has lead to a substance relapse which adds even more layers to my problem.

I don't have anyone around that I'm comfortable with, let alone someone who can help motivate me or even understand how I'm feeling. The only people I can talk to about this give temporary/superficial solutions and don't understand the full extent of how paralysing and isolating anxiety and substance dependence are. Especially in these times when even the 'normal people' are really struggling.

The support the uni has offered is completely useless to me as phone calls/video calls make me super anxious and i find it hard to understand a lot of explanations if only worded one way. My course mates don't seem to be affected as badly as me and are getting the work done which makes me feel even more useless.

I have been having suicidal thoughts on and off for years, but lately they've become more frequent and now I have even less reason to keep going. My studies going downhill feel like a catalyst and I'm really worried that the last bit of structure and the last thing I get positive feedback from is slipping away because I can't cope. 

I have done nothing for weeks and soon must hand in coursework, this feels like a last chance to fix it. 

Does anyone else have a similar experience or know how to get themselves more motivated? 

  • My brother studied a textbook over the phone with his friend a few years ago. He would ring the friend up every day and they'd go through a few pages each day. My brother would read out loud the pages and as they were going they discussed whatever they were learning. A family member could probably do it too. Something like that might work for you.

    You say phone calls make you anxious but give it a try at least. You've worked hard to get where you are, keep going!

  • I’ve had very similar experiences on almost all of what you’ve said in the past bar the substance abuse, though I did react similarly by becoming self destructive in other ways. I think that ‘motivation’ when forced is sometimes dangerous, because all you are doing is forcing yourself to do something which internally you don’t want to do and thus to do it then fuels the negative emotions and responses. My advice therefore Is to try and let motivation return naturally by finding a comfortable rhythm to life under the current circumstances of lockdown. This could be reconnecting with old interests, or trying something new - essentially focus on lifting yourself before forcing yourself to get back to your uni work, you need to prioritise yourself. Equally chat to people, if those around you aren’t that chatty or engaging, reach out to new people. There’s some great people on here for example. Equally if you want to chat, just send me a message :)