Masking.

I have 10 years volunteer youthwork focused on learning differences and emotional problems (since the 2 often overlapped, and I was closest the groups had to an expert on both) though not at all qualified in any official way, and more accustomed to working face to face, I'd say welcome to the club.

I am glad it has helped. 

Just a quick note. I do not know if I am on the autism spectrum or not, as I am waiting to be assessed which may take a while. I hope it doesn't, but we shall see.

Keep up the tangents, I just learnt quite a bit about myself. I never thought about it that way, but since I was 'forced' to stop masking I guess I was growing up all over again and learning to function as an adult without it.

That perspective explains a lot, thanks

I don't think I can loose the ability to mask as when I have done this during burnout, I mentally seem to revert back to the days that I was before I first started masking, which I would say is the age of five or six.  I used to have a terrible time in school when at that early age. I remember when I was 5 years old and I had moved up to the second class, and the teacher had different smells. We had to sit on the teachers knee to read. She smelt of both strong perfume and cigarette smoke. 

Now for me, smells are a trigger to both partial shutdowns and shutdowns. But somehow because of the smells I could not concentrate on reading. My Mum had spent 4 hours with me at home to make sure I knew the book back to front, so even though I had done my reading homework far more then the other children had, when I was reading to the teacher, the teacher thought I hadn't so she sent a note home with me to give to my Mum. My Mum sent a note back. 

The teacher had developed some sort if dissability and a year after she had to leave teaching, but when she saw my Mums reply that I had done the reading homework, she took offense, and for the entire year she put me in a room on my own and did not teach me. The few times she did have me in with the other children, and they were all singing, if I sang, she would smack me and shout at me. (I have always been afraid of loud angry people. 

Fortunately the next year a different older teacher taught me and really brought me on as the very first year I had been put with the remmedials of the class because I rarely ever spoke, but this elderly teacher realized that I was intelligent and she really encouraged me. 

But during the age of 4 and 5, when we had play time I would just go to a corner on my own and stand there. When I didn't a certain kid in my class bullied me. (Though this is not why I stood in a corner). So it was not nice going to school. 

But I found that the last coupke of years of that primary school I even surprized the teachers as I settled down and when I took the exams at the age of 11, I had extremely high results which they didn't realize I could do it.

But the move to secondary school and the ever changing rooms and more bullying etc... by the time I was in the third year, because I was no good at languages and was failing in other subjects, I was put down to a class just above the remmedials. The work was stupidly east. Another boy was put back up who had been put down with me, and I was supposed to be put back up, as the head of year realized her mistake (I believe when some of the teachers had also told her I was more intelligent, though I did mention it to her myself as she was approachable being one of our PE teachers as well). 

She was going to put me back up but sadly she died at the age of 43 from a brain hemmoridge. I remember her car. A gold coloured Renault 14, though I don't remember the numberplate. She nearly ran me over once.. My fault. It was on the road in the school yard and I was running fast and went round the corner...! Both my shoes were skidding to stop on the smooth worn tarmack!

There was no new head of year so I had to stay in that class for the rest of the year. I was gettong marks from 89% to 98% and even in Welsh which I was hopeless at, I was second in the class with 68% (My lowest mark). Most subjects I did 94 to 96%. 

But the worst time for me was in college from the age of 16 to 18. I just couldn't adjust and the last few months I was bullied, not by just one class member, but when due to anxiety/stress the masking started to break, the whoke class noticed and took offense and all started bullying me. 25 to 1. It aas only by chance that I did not jump straight through a large single pane classroom window hoping to land in the large tree below to make my escape. I stood on the desk and was about to run from desk to desk when the teacher walked back in and told me off. I could not concentrate on the final exams ad failed the lot. 

• And that was the end of my education, apart from I was given the chance to go to night class when on an employment training scheme, and the night class was to redo my GCSE Maths.
• I was the first to do GCSE exams in school as I was supposed to do O level but last minute things changed, but because of the class I had been put in just before, I was put in a very low set, and I could only get a max result of C and I got a D which was said to be good. (I think about 80%?) The first year of GCSE's they made them too hard and there were only 18 grade A's in all the schools in the whole county and in my school we had 120 pupils in our year and there were only two A's given.  Today it is common for a single pupil to have a few A grades! A star was not a grade in the year I took the exams. 
• So I wanted to get an A in the night classes, but I found out that in my whole area, the GCSE night class exams were only for a C grade paper and if I wanted an A grade paper I would have to move to another area. (The teacher did look i to it), so I had to settle for the C paper. 
• I took the exam, had 100% and had my C grade (And the only one to get a C grade in the class). I was dissapointed, because when the GCSE's first came in I had asked the headmaster (Who was in charge of helping us sort out what lessons we were going to have) "What would happen with the GCSE's if we were stuck with a C paper (Or lower) and we had 100%? He said the policy was that anyone who had 100% in the lower paper would get the grade above, so I was dissapointed I was not given a B.
• I found after college, going back to GCSE exams, they were soo easy! However, I always found each subject in Maths I would have to learn more then once, as an old school maths teacher once told my parents "I don't understand it. I have taught him this new maths subject (Cant remember if it was trigonometry or algebra etc) and he fully understands it and gets everything right. But next lesson it is as if he has never been taught it and has to start all over again!
• Recently I found out through examining myself, why I would either get top marks or very low marks. Well. I did all maths in my head first as in my deep inner mind I work in pictures of dots to add up which could be in base 5, 6 or 8, and I would then convert the answer into base 10. Now I could not do the workings out while I was mentally doing the sum. I would do the sum in my head first, write down the answer then work backwards to show the workings out by thinking about them in a different way (The proper way taught in school). And when I was anxious (Exams!), I was making mistakes converting back to base 10 or I was ot able to think to show my workings out etc. At the time I could not work out what I was doning different from one exam to the next where I could be praized one time for a high mark and told off for the next exam with a low mark... And the teacher assumed I had not done any revision before the exam. Now I understand it. 

Sorry. I am going off on many tangents... I do that sometimes! Actually most of the time! Haha!

Everyone masks to an extent, from filtering how much they express at work to what they say to in-laws.

Difference is most autistics mask 24/7 without letting it drop with friends and even loved ones because we've learnt we won't be accepted if we're authentic in any scenario, until eventually they lose the ability. From your description I'd say this matches autistic masking more then allistic masking.

It took me a long time to accept it, but losing my ability to mask altogether was the best thing that ever happened to me.