Hello, I am an autistic. Being autistic means that I communicate differently and I see the world differently. I think of myself as a half-wild, small creature that needs kindness in order to thrive. This is a human virtue that is often undervalued, although it clearly does exist.
What you may know about autism is not always accurate. There are many unfortunate myths that are upheld by the media. Coming out as autistic is a big decision. Some of us choose to disguise the fact; others are openly proud. It all depends on the individual. Like every person, we have personality. There are introverts and extroverts. We have our different interests; our different needs; our own strengths and weaknesses.
What is true of every autistic is that we are all deeply emotional, even if we do not demonstrate emotions in the expected way. We find different ways of showing that we care. We are also deep thinkers and that is why we might seem distant and struggle with social conventions. We have a fantastic sense of justice, honesty and fairness. We think about how the world could and should be better. We are loyal, good-humoured, hard-working, patient and determined to prove our equality. We are different in the best possible way and we only wish to show that we are not to be pitied, but celebrated.
Autistics are gentle souls who are often told that they must toughen up. I did not learn that I was autistic in childhood. This is only a recent discovery in adulthood. However, gentleness was not something that was encouraged during my time at school. That is why I grew a protective shell. I can hide inside. Sometimes the shell gets damaged. Sadness is an emotion that everybody has and it is okay to have it. You can have anger and fear too. Emotions might need to be managed and you can learn coping techniques, but every emotion is valid. Sharing emotions seems to be only a recent development. I feel every emotion and happiness is only one of them. It doesn’t make sense to me that some people pursue happiness as a constant. It is the spectrum of emotions that make life interesting. Just because a person might find it embarrassing or difficult to display emotions outwardly, it does not mean that they are unfeeling. Different generations and individuals were taught different ways of interacting. That is why people should aim to be patient and to listen. If you do not know a person well; then you can not judge them. Be kind and in time, you may know them better.
I am a quiet person and I find conversation to be complicated. What some people know by instinct; others do not. Eye contact is not comfortable for me and I may miss the subtler social cues. Small talk is not natural. I also may be distracted by background noise or be focused on my work or be unable to process quickly. I express myself much better in writing. An autistic is rarely rude on purpose; we just communicate directly and honestly. Our words are chosen with care and we may not automatically use tones, expressions or gestures. Some of us have learned expected conventions better than others.
The effectiveness of our communication may also depend on our current emotional state. We may not recover easily if we make a faux pas. The more anxious I am; the quieter I am. I admit that making conversation is a daily challenge and I only ask that if somebody reacts like a deer caught in the headlights; then you display kindness and patience. Anger and impatience only make a situation worse. I can only hope that modern school children now receive better emotional support than in the old days, but I still worry about those who find it difficult to interact. Sometimes support is only there when you ask for it and some people do not like to ask or they can not. If they find writing or other communication method easier, then encourage them to use this. The ability to use the spoken word is not an indicator of intelligence. Autistics and other minorities have to find ways of surviving in a world that is set up to suit the majority. Kindness always helps.
If you are struggling to spot acts of kindness in the real world; then you can definitely find them in the world of picture books, teddy bears and animations. Something that I have never understood is why adults are expected to set such enchantments aside. Shall I tell you a secret? You don’t have to. Seriously, why are adults who preserve what they deeply loved as a child, shamed into calling these “guilty pleasures”? That’s if they are brave enough to admit that they sleep with a beloved bear or still watch Disney classics or read the works of Judith Kerr (“Mog”) and Jane Hissey (“Old Bear”). They are as valuable today as they ever were. They provide vital comfort and anchorage, regardless of whether you are a child or an adult.
My bear, Growly, has grown up with me. Much of his golden fur has been loved off, one of his jointed arms is loose, his growl has gone and he wears handmade outfits to keep warm. (Thanks to my Mum.) Currently he is dressed in a smart, red, wooly jacket. He also has his ever present red bow. He has kind brown eyes and a lovely smile. Teddy bears offer unconditional love always. Growly will never be discarded, sold or locked in an attic. He is the patriarch of a whole bedroom of well loved friends, new and old. There are shelves of illustrated books and animated films. The past is a wonderland that keeps hope alive. Being able to connect with the past makes us whole. We are all unique and we are all benefited by kindness. Just be open to different ways of living and value everybody. They might communicate or act differently, but show kindness; not judgement. Kindness will bring out the best in everyone; autistic or not. Be patient, listen and get to know them. What you see on the surface might be limited, but look deeper. There is much hidden treasure to be discovered within.
“Seeing that something was expected of it the bear stood up and politely raised its hat, revealing two black ears.” (- Michael Bond)
I identify very much with Paddington, who does his best, but because he does not always understand human rules, often ends up in trouble. I highly recommend “Paddington 2” as a demonstration of how kindness works. I also direct you to “Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again” and “Ferdinand.”