Published on 12, July, 2020
Will be a year this June ,since my Autism f84.5 diagnosis.
So please dont be offended if i assume alot, that is actually wrong.....i mean not to offend anyone...
Im learning what all this IS!
To me....i dont know what is depression alone...or Autism alone...or a mix?
Im almost everyday battling suicidal thoughts....
I am 51 , and the last time i half heartily attempted anything, (it was in an undiagnosed state.).A 17 yr old bewildered boy that was totally lost and thought i could make people love me..
I self-harmed quite badly on my left arm.....It disgraces me to this day and is a hideous reminder of my mistake...and i loathe the idea that anyone will see this....So i have to cover up even in the hottest of summers..
Now thats one separate issue, which im slowly coming to terms with. As i feel since the diagnosis...I can finally put that incident into context.
But i feel that if i ever really did choose to go....it would be 100% alone, without any calling out of crying.....(There is no one to call out anyway) i could explain, but i dont want it to sound like a violin session...but no friends and family is hard enough for anyone,either Autistic or not.
But the major issue im having, along with the rest of my issues...I have the feeling that im constantly wrong! bumbling!....a complete waste of space...
Ive always been a bit of a prat i guess...! but i know its the way my brain works and is wired...
But i know im actually quite ill....as i cry out of nowhere, for the simplest of things..and often with no warning!
Im going to be seeing wellbeing Bedfordshire....so i am stretching out for assistance....and i truly dont want to die just yet....Certainly not at my own hands...
If i fell ill....In all honesty, i would find it a relief, as it would take the guilt away of passing away at my own hands...
I dont want to drag anyone down..so please do not feel you have to reply....but im wondering if others feel similar things.....So can some of this be attributed to the Autism.,...?
I feel like a POS, myself, now.
A friend of mine came to take me to a Post Office to return something I bought on Amazon - I was going to cancel the order, but they dispatched the item. Then, I bought a newspaper and chicken at another shop. On the way back, he was nearly hit by a speeding minivan in a narrow rural road.
I suddenly heard a female friend's voice in my head going on about how I shouldn't head out. The news, and social media, had already pi$$ed me off. Then LibreOffice kept crashing due to a 'Fatal Error.'
I need to get out of my head.