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Intense dislike for public speaking(presently in a group at hospital) and nearly had a meltdown, but im sure they all felt the anger emanating from me..or rather, the anxiety!

AlwaysIS

Ive been placed within a pain management course.and Literally everyone else is NT..

I met one young lad who was on the spectrum...but he left after 2 weeks(he was in another group of NT's) and it seems that everyone  ganged up on him....

These are adults and its pretty shocking!

After being diagnosed myself only last year....Im obviously in the bewildered stage of my Autism journey!  The coming to terms(if thats the correct term)  but whats shocked me is how many people i have met ,seem to give no ***** about Autistic people..

Of course thats a major generalisation ...but truly ,this far in my little journey....its like NT's seem to feel they have enough armchair knowledge(as i guess i did once) and they go from that...and thats that.

Anyway!....this course has been one of the hardest processes ive had to do....

I had one woman shhhhh me, as i was talking to another male on the course(nice guy whos NT and the only other guy on the course....) I had a bad feeling from the get go , from this female shhhhher!....and she has only confirmed to me what i had already suspected of her...Shes very snooty and stuck up!

I muttered back "dont.***** shhh me" Im not sure she heard me...but i spent the next 30+mins in the paranoid hightened state...that she could even detect my breathing and tension in the room.

Long story short....whilst having to stare into the eyes of my male college for 3 minutes straight(you can imagine how hard this was) Its designed to make one uncomfortable..fear exposure i believe they call it..

2 minutes in...my college kept looking to the left of my head as he was feeling awkward...and i started to laugh.as at this time i had perfected a technique of looking only into his right eye and seeing my own reflection....he hadnt obviously come across that technique, and he began to laugh and so did i ...

I could detect he was desperately wanting to look away so we laughed...Then this same lady,said "i was trying to concentrate and these silly little boys put me off by laughing" (she was teamed up with another woman doing the same thing)

To which i said loudly " Matron" and moving my hands like an Italian....Im sorry, but i wanted to throw a chair into her face!

Completely ignorant piece of work..

Now i know my reactions over the top..but does anyone else struggle intensely,,, in the same situations?  and or/generally shopping or crowds in general?

I know NT obviously feel tensions themselves  and have road rage etc....but to me...i seem to feel it all on a whole other level!

**sorry if ive rambled ,but had a semi migraine later from this all today**

Parents

  • At univeristy I had a Professional Studies course module that included 3 mandatory presentations to pass the course.  I failed it on 3 attempts over 3 years.  First presentation was in front of my lecturer, it was hard, but possible, although i needed a new set of clothes after (totally drenched in sweat). second presentation in front of about 20 people, 10 mins in length, I managed to pass it the first year and third year using a massive amount of cannabis and diazepam.  Final presentation, entire lecture theatre compromising all the people on IT courses in that year, length 20 mins.  Not a chance in hell.  I went on stage, the sweat started, the room started spinning and I walked off stage and promptly hit the deck.  Failed. over and over again.

    I dont have anger in these situations, anxiety yes, fear in the pit of my stomach yes, excess sweating yes, but not anger.   I dont do those situations anymore.  Dont need the stress.

    I have quite a lethal tongue when people make disparaging remarks about me in any situation.  If someone ever says something like I was trying to do x, but you put me off by laughing, then quote Yoda:

    Do or do not. There is no try.

    Also apply that into your own life.  If you can not do public speaking, then don't.  Accept it as something not possible and move on.  To do anything else would be a waste of time and energy.

  • in reply to __Pathfinder__

    I read your page......Is it not Aspergers youre seeking a diagnosis in?....im no particular expert, but with your abilities ..it seems to be leaning towards Aspergers...

  • in reply to AlwaysIS

    Ahh sorry, I havent updated the profile yet.  I got my ASD diagnosis in January.  She said it would have been Aspergers if i'd been assessed two years back, but now its just ASD.  So yes as suspected I am an Aspie.

    I didnt mean to convey a point of me thinking you had anger issues, so sorry if thats how I came across.  I was just relating my own situation.  I just dont do public speaking full stop.  Its a known problem for me and as such I dont do it.

    When i was in my 20s I did fight a fair bit, mostly nightclub incidents and it was weird, like losing all control and blacking out completely for 30 secs, then coming back around in some aftermath of the fight.  I never worked out why, I just assumed my mind disconnected me from dealing with it.  My upbringing wasnt particularly bad, but school was interesting.  I carried a massive amount of rage for years, that was rarely released, but when it was it was like uncorking the genie, really hard to put back in.  Nowadays I hit the gym to keep things in check.  I find 3 hour workouts to be enough to calm the inner demons.

    Yes people dont care for autistic people, but similarly I dont care for normal people either, so its moot, to me anyway. ;)  I find them boring, one dimensional thinkers, that are generally unable to grasp creative thinking to create solutions to niche problems.  All my friends I've ever had have been on the spectrum, all diagnosed in later life.  I think people on the spectrum are naturally attracted to others like themselves because its just easier when you both understand.  If you both have similar interests you can hyperfocus on things with them and bounce ideas all day without major boredom.  Doing the same with NT's is harder (and impossible mostly).

    We all make mistakes and have regret.  I have loads too.  It just happens.  i try not to concentrate on negative things because they mostly breed more negativity.  If I think too much about the regrets I have it sends me into depression.  Better to ignore them.

    Im rambling on again (and the typos are amassing due to my need to type at lightspeed).

    Have a good day, if you can.

  • in reply to __Pathfinder__

    All good my firend....Totally got where you was coming from...but i always over explain myself and show a little paranoia, due to doubting ive represented myself correctly...so no problems at all..

     Thumbsup

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