What is me and what is camouflage?

The "camouflage or real me?" question is one that I've struggled a lot with since my diagnosis, I must admit. I was always conscious of being a rather "different person" when I was totally alone - but my camouflaging had become so ingrained that, even then, I would quite often get angry with myself if I started flapping my hands, pacing in circles, or what I call my "talking in tongues". I always felt that they were "insane" urges that I should try to get rid of at any cost. Of course, there can be good reason to supress them in some circumstances because they cause more trouble than it's worth - the important thing is whether you're freely choosing that option as a gesture of friendliness or are straining every nerve in your body because you'd otherwise feel incredibly ashamed of something that's really rather harmless. Like me, a lot of autistic people describe a very strong urge to bend over backwards to please other people rather than looking for a reasonable compromise - if you'll excuse the terrible pun; I have a very bad case of "contact doormat-itis"!

The best advice that I can come up with is that it seems to be one of those things where it's better to wait for it to come to you in its own time, rather than burning a lot of energy hunting for an answer. Looking back, I've spent far too much time chasing my own tail like that. Whenever you you feel an urge to do something that you might normally dismiss, try to remember to ask yourself why you dismiss it - Is it because it's something that you genuinely don't want to do? Is it because it makes you feel a little ashamed? Is there any logical reason that it should be shameful? Are you dismissing it just out of habit? Does it feel like it comes naturally, or does it feel forced?

As for the sarcasm (I'm trying really hard to resist ironically posting a sarcastic answer!): Well, firstly, the idea that all autistic people don't understand or can't use sarcasm is total nonsense - it's true of some of us, but I've met quite a few who use withering sarcasm as a great put-down to folks who are rude to them about their autism! Are you using it properly? I can't say for sure, of course, but a good test might be this - do the people around you react to it in the way that you expect? If they completely ignore it, or get way more offended than you intended, then maybe there's a problem; otherwise, I'd try not to worry about it too much.

The "camouflage or real me?" question is one that I've struggled a lot with since my diagnosis, I must admit. I was always conscious of being a rather "different person" when I was totally alone - but my camouflaging had become so ingrained that, even then, I would quite often get angry with myself if I started flapping my hands, pacing in circles, or what I call my "talking in tongues". I always felt that they were "insane" urges that I should try to get rid of at any cost. Of course, there can be good reason to supress them in some circumstances because they cause more trouble than it's worth - the important thing is whether you're freely choosing that option as a gesture of friendliness or are straining every nerve in your body because you'd otherwise feel incredibly ashamed of something that's really rather harmless. Like me, a lot of autistic people describe a very strong urge to bend over backwards to please other people rather than looking for a reasonable compromise - if you'll excuse the terrible pun; I have a very bad case of "contact doormat-itis"!

The best advice that I can come up with is that it seems to be one of those things where it's better to wait for it to come to you in its own time, rather than burning a lot of energy hunting for an answer. Looking back, I've spent far too much time chasing my own tail like that. Whenever you you feel an urge to do something that you might normally dismiss, try to remember to ask yourself why you dismiss it - Is it because it's something that you genuinely don't want to do? Is it because it makes you feel a little ashamed? Is there any logical reason that it should be shameful? Are you dismissing it just out of habit? Does it feel like it comes naturally, or does it feel forced?

As for the sarcasm (I'm trying really hard to resist ironically posting a sarcastic answer!): Well, firstly, the idea that all autistic people don't understand or can't use sarcasm is total nonsense - it's true of some of us, but I've met quite a few who use withering sarcasm as a great put-down to folks who are rude to them about their autism! Are you using it properly? I can't say for sure, of course, but a good test might be this - do the people around you react to it in the way that you expect? If they completely ignore it, or get way more offended than you intended, then maybe there's a problem; otherwise, I'd try not to worry about it too much.