How can i make my aspie husband happy?

Hi. Firstly, I think it's really cool that you're asking people like us about this. 

The added problem with spectrum conditions like ours is that we're all different from each other, so no one reply is guaranteed to help. However, I can suggest a few things based on what I have learnt about myself since my diagnosis.

1 - Other people. Yeah, he probably doesn't like that much. I'm better with people I already know (but too many at once without alcohol is a no no) and there will probably be a select few he's always okay around. These are the ones he doesn't see as threatening. I myself have particular problems around people I find judgmental or overly critical. Bizarrely, I'm okay with some strangers, like a sixth sense, while others I will avoid at all costs.

2 - A lot of us are still children and always will be, in certain ways. If i had a quid for every time I was compared to Harry Enfield's Kevin before I went bald, I'd probably have a good twenty quid or so. Which, hey you know, is quite a lot when you think about it.

3- Don't take anything personally. I didn't use to understand why I just didn't want to do some things at certain times. Now I know it's because I crave solitude. I don't suffer with social withdrawal, I need it! I have to come to learn that even things I enjoy doing have a price to pay. That being recovery time. If he wants to turn in early and lie there with the duvet over his face, he's not cross with you, he's DEcharging. He may have a different technique, or if he doesn't have one yet, I recommend it, it's life changing.

Like I said, some on here will get some of what I've written and some will not get me at all. But if anything I've written helps you and your husband, then I've done my good deed for the day :)

Good luck

i am so glad i asked you ^^. you have me a lot of good ideas. bless you <3

It could be a quiet place to go and shut the door if i am feeling a meltdown or anxiety attack coming on. Example - a noisy shopping precinct  - where is my "quiet place".   Hopefully not always the toilets, lol.      In some cases it could even be an excuse to make so i can leave.  Example: a work night out - how to politely make an excuse and go at 9pm for example.  By thinking a little about it in advance, often I don't even need it.  Just like a fire drill.   Those plans might feel like a big palaver at first but soon become integrated into daily life. 

All aspies are different but I need to know the layout of a place and make contingency plans for different scenarios. I also need to plan some alone-time if it has been busy.   My husband has got used to this quite quickly.  

The important thing is to ask, like coaching, help him to find the "one thing that would help", he might know it but not be aware that he does.

Doing this together will surely help, but please take care of yourself and remember that you are half of the relationship.   You can even try it for your own needs to make sure his needs don't take over everything. 

Thanx a lot! :x

thanks a lot, <3 it seems very helpful, i will do that. if you dont mind, what do you mean by escape route?

you are right. so I should insist more on the things that distress him. sometimes it is difficult because we have a child and there are things that must be done tha cannot be avoided. i'l try my best. thanx a lot!!

Hi NAS65909,

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sorry to hear that your husband can suffer with these tendencies. Your husband may find the following link useful from the NAS website on coping with anxiety and stress as an adult with autism:

https://www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/anxiety.aspx

I hope this helps,

ChloeMod.

i guess one way, if you're not already doing it, is to ask him "what would make this bearable?" if there is an unbearable or anxiety inducing situation. Not to indulge him but to see if there is one thing that would really help or de-stress. For example, if I'm going somewhere where there will be a lot of people, I need an escape route or a time when it's acceptable to leave. Or to explore a place on google maps before actually going there. 

An aspie is the same as a PNT in this respect. Avoid triggers of stress and engage in the stress reduction activities he enjoys when possible. For example, I go running, have a massage, have an aromatherapy bath.

As the saying goes, if you've met one autistic, you've met one autistic. Like our PNT counterparts, we all have different likes and dislikes.