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Nostalgia, wanting to go back in time, yearning for a 'golden era'

Hope

I have touched on this topic before, but it is a recurring 'obsession' of mine. My life WAS better in the past, objectively better. When I tell people this, they always contradict me, trying to tell me that my life has barely started (I am 25), that my life is good now - I have support, my own flat, and even a part-time job. But no, my life pales into insignificance when compared to my life before the age of about 15. The pre-lapsarian era, before my fall into a black hole of fear/uncertainty/constant anxiety and crippling OCD. I am not depressed; I actually get pleasure from life, but I am sad that my life is no longer 'free' in the real sense; free from fear. I have always been anxious, always had problems, but they used to be manageable, and they  were often other people's concern. I am intellectually an 80 year old, but emotionally still a 10 year old. I just cannot grow up, and neither do I want to. I resent adult seriousness, change, and responsibility. I want to feel secure, with readily available meaning bequeathed by others. I lack structure, meaning, and I feel lost. And I am anxious ALL the time. No-one has succeeded in removing my constant general anxiety, despite the fact they have helped my OCD and specific phobias.

Parents

  • I can't believe two people have used the same word I use all the time SAFE.

    I don't feel safe. I am anxious all day every day. In my case everything except a few years when I was at Uni was grim. I am now back to where I was at 10 years old, feeling totally wretched, back to meltdowns and shutdowns, and this time without the hope that things will get better when I "grow up". There is just no way out of this endless round of anxiety and fear.

    Recently I have been trying to reply to the parents who are constantly posting on here about their very young children, they feel overwhelmed, but they don't get how it will be for their child when they are older. Even when they are supportive now (my parents weren't which is why I don't have a golden age of childhood), the future for people with ASD as adults is constant anxiety.

    There seems to be no support, treatment or even understanding of this constant fear. I feel like there is nothing for the future, and the constant emphasis by Autism professionals on small children means adults living with all this anxiety and fear are alone. I realise that severely autistic people have many more problems and need much more support, but honestly can't someone represent the reality for high functioning adults?

    I also feel like a small child, but because I have degrees, can talk etc. I am expected to be like any other adult. But like you Hope I feel totally lost. It will only get worse as I age, because people are less forgiving of childlike behaviours the older the person is, and this aspect of ASDs is not referred to much in any literature.

Reply

  • I can't believe two people have used the same word I use all the time SAFE.

    I don't feel safe. I am anxious all day every day. In my case everything except a few years when I was at Uni was grim. I am now back to where I was at 10 years old, feeling totally wretched, back to meltdowns and shutdowns, and this time without the hope that things will get better when I "grow up". There is just no way out of this endless round of anxiety and fear.

    Recently I have been trying to reply to the parents who are constantly posting on here about their very young children, they feel overwhelmed, but they don't get how it will be for their child when they are older. Even when they are supportive now (my parents weren't which is why I don't have a golden age of childhood), the future for people with ASD as adults is constant anxiety.

    There seems to be no support, treatment or even understanding of this constant fear. I feel like there is nothing for the future, and the constant emphasis by Autism professionals on small children means adults living with all this anxiety and fear are alone. I realise that severely autistic people have many more problems and need much more support, but honestly can't someone represent the reality for high functioning adults?

    I also feel like a small child, but because I have degrees, can talk etc. I am expected to be like any other adult. But like you Hope I feel totally lost. It will only get worse as I age, because people are less forgiving of childlike behaviours the older the person is, and this aspect of ASDs is not referred to much in any literature.

Children
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