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Nostalgia, wanting to go back in time, yearning for a 'golden era'

Hope

I have touched on this topic before, but it is a recurring 'obsession' of mine. My life WAS better in the past, objectively better. When I tell people this, they always contradict me, trying to tell me that my life has barely started (I am 25), that my life is good now - I have support, my own flat, and even a part-time job. But no, my life pales into insignificance when compared to my life before the age of about 15. The pre-lapsarian era, before my fall into a black hole of fear/uncertainty/constant anxiety and crippling OCD. I am not depressed; I actually get pleasure from life, but I am sad that my life is no longer 'free' in the real sense; free from fear. I have always been anxious, always had problems, but they used to be manageable, and they  were often other people's concern. I am intellectually an 80 year old, but emotionally still a 10 year old. I just cannot grow up, and neither do I want to. I resent adult seriousness, change, and responsibility. I want to feel secure, with readily available meaning bequeathed by others. I lack structure, meaning, and I feel lost. And I am anxious ALL the time. No-one has succeeded in removing my constant general anxiety, despite the fact they have helped my OCD and specific phobias.

Parents

  • God yes Hope.

    It all went wrong in the teens when people started going out together, and casual social groups became the dominant structure among my peers, instead of school.

    I struggled to stay involved, and did ok sometimes but really all that did was make my crippling anxiety even worse, and I had a deep sense of deprivation, like there was always something going on that I was missing out on - which I think that there was, basically.

    It is hard not to feel absorbed by thoughts of a time when life was simply fundamentally qualatively better and to have it overshadow whatever positives might be going on currently.

    I try not to be pessimistic but it's just so hard not to resent those around me I find - but I hate so much to be bitter.

    And yes, the relentlessly anxiety drives me out of my mind.

Reply

  • God yes Hope.

    It all went wrong in the teens when people started going out together, and casual social groups became the dominant structure among my peers, instead of school.

    I struggled to stay involved, and did ok sometimes but really all that did was make my crippling anxiety even worse, and I had a deep sense of deprivation, like there was always something going on that I was missing out on - which I think that there was, basically.

    It is hard not to feel absorbed by thoughts of a time when life was simply fundamentally qualatively better and to have it overshadow whatever positives might be going on currently.

    I try not to be pessimistic but it's just so hard not to resent those around me I find - but I hate so much to be bitter.

    And yes, the relentlessly anxiety drives me out of my mind.

Children
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