I feel like a totally different person around different people. Apparently everyone feels like this to a certain extent but I am convinced it is much stronger in me than in others.
As such - I wonder if this is one of the symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)?
We have all heard of the concept of "masking". I always though this simply meant things like trying to control your tics when around other people. But I wonder if it also includes adopting a different persona around different people? Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is part of ASD. And one of the symptoms of that is an enjoyment of role playing. At first that sounds like the sort of person who enjoys playing games where you pretend to be somebody else. Or somebody who enjoys dressing up as characters at sci-fi conventions. Neither of those apply to me.
But what does apply to me is adopting a different role depending on who I am talking to. If somebody is boring - I might be silly to try and liven them up. If somebody is funny - I will be funny in order to join in. If somebody is philosophical - I will be as well in order to keep the conversations going on. And so on...
It sounds harmless at first. But the effects it has on my personality are dramatic. I can be a wild & crazy person one second, and then a few seconds later I am super sensible as I am talking to somebody else. A bit like Charles Foster Kane - it feels like everyone who knows me only knows one facet of my personality.
Apparently people with PDA are good at manipulating people. This is not something traditionally associated with autism. I think the reason you are able to manipulate people is because you adopt a specially tailored persona for each person you interact with. You reflect back at the whatever person they think you are. It is really odd. I can walk into one room and talk to somebody and feel like a complete idiot, and act up to that perception. And then in another room - I can talk to somebody who I feel more comfortable with and be very wise and clever.
I cannot stress how dramatic this change in self perception is. I can actually close my eyes and feel my persona morph depending on who I imagine has just walked into the room. My voice even changes! It is bizarre. I remember first noticing this about myself when I was about 17. I am one of those people with ASD who feels the condition really deepened in me as I entered my teen years.
One of the frustrating things with this is that I have friends who think I am brilliant, funny and very clever. And they keep asking me why I don't write a book or a movie script? The problem is that I only feel like that person when I am around them. When I am by myself I feel totally empty. This is why when I am along I can quite happily go months without talking. Not that I have had the chance to go as long as that without talking. But I am sure I could do it.
I also wonder if this is why autistic people connect so deeply with films and music? Perhaps it is because we actually become the song we are listening to in some deep way? As if it actually takes over our soul and our sense of identity dissolves into the song? It is as if our identity is like water that can fit into any container that we are presented with.
The other curious thing is this. When I lose touch with a friend - I don't miss the friend. I miss the person that I got to be around them. With a close friend who I am my "best" person around - it is like a significant part of my identity has been lost forever.
Anthony Hopkins has ASD. He is my favourite actor. So perhaps it is this ability to adopt different personas that helps him with his acting?
Does anybody else relate to the above? Do you think it is a key part of ASD? Or is it possible that everybody feels like this and I just haven't noticed?