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Assessment on saturday :s

NAS64098

A few weeks ago i posted about going private for a screening after finding out my nhs waiting list was 2 years, and struggling with imposter syndrome. 

Well the screening results suggested ASD is likely and i was recommended for a full assessment.

So i agreed to the assessment and was offered an appointment this saturday! Im absolutely terrified, this is happening much quicker than i expected, also ive transitioned from imposter syndrome to denial and berating myself for my own stupidity at starting down this path, feeling like ive opened a can of worms that cannot be closed again. 

This is made worse by the fact that after 20 years of not talking about my problems and relying only on myself, ive had to tell both my brother and my partner about everything as i needed informants. Before this week i hadnt said a thing to either of them about my long history of mental health problems. 

Whats adding to the feelings of denial and feeling like a fraud is that my partner (of 10 years) said he had no idea id been struggling with MH issues for so long and hadnt noticed anything?

So im now getting paranoid that either im too good at masking, or its all in my head / the anxiety talking and i dont have ASD :(

sorry for the ramble, im feeling very stressed and confused, im not sure what im asking, i just needed to let it all out! 

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  • Hello :-)

    I don’t think you are alone in the self doubt all in my head thing; I also had my appointment expedited (had 3 weeks notice though).

    I attended my assessment with those same thoughts in my head this morning (thinking how embarrassing it would be if I came back having to say ‘apparently I’m just a self obsessed fantasist with a bit of anxiety’. But my diagnosis was confirmed: mild ASD, aka Aspergers.

    I still feel like a fraud.

    Am glad the waiting is all over but I need time to process it all as it happened so fast (was expecting assessment in May)

    I just tried to blank my mind during the session and just let it happen - there was nothing I could do but just attend and hope what I’d submitted on my ref form gave the assessors the information they needed to confirm diagnosis.

    *** I delayed competing my paper work (classic demand avoidance) but MADE myself start it and everything came tumbling out. So, when I attended I felt as prepared as I could with all my ‘evidence’ fresh in my mind (and a copy of what I’d sent them for reference, of course) ***

    It doesn’t help that we become such good actors at ‘being normal’ that even the people closest to us are puzzled by the reality behind our masks when we try to explain.

    They asked if I had any questions after the confirmation. I didn’t at the time but should have asked them: ‘what exactly is it about me that has given you the evidence that I am ASD?’

    I suppose I need proof that it’s not a case of them rubber stamping my self diagnosis (even though you have to self diagnose so that you can get to the assessment stage!!!???). I need them to explain that only an ASD person would say the things I said about myself so I know for sure how genuine my diagnosis is. Does that make sense?

    I have to wait for the full report to see what the basis of their conclusion is...

    I didn’t have any family members attend with me btw; I got some info from my mum on what I was like as a toddler and small child and wrote the rest myself (I mean, we live in our heads - no one will know us better than we do ourselves). The advice I was given is that it can be helpful to provide another perspective but it wasn’t essential and was entirely personal preference whether to have someone else attend.

    So I would say your confused ‘am I a fraud’ thoughts are a result of being a high functioning person with ASD who has become so expert in fooling everyone around you, you don’t notice how many of your traits you routinely disguise on auto pilot. It’s hard to evidence traits in black and white without making it sound like you have artificially researched what to say to get the diagnosis you want. But your traits are just disguised - they are real issues and challenges, not fake.

  • in reply to ItsMyMind

    Congratulations on your diagnosis!

    And thanks for the in depth reply, you have really helped calm my mind a bit. I think its all been a bit of a shock to the system as i was only given a weeks notice for the appointment and had already prepared myself for a long wait!

    I also wont have anyone attending appointments with me either, my bro and partner are just filling out questionaires. and im estranged from my parents so no access to developmental history.

    Your last paragraph really rung true to me and made me see clearer on the subject. I guess i spend so much time acting the part and glossing over the struggles that its become hard to tell whats real

  • in reply to NAS64098

    Bizarrely I’ve been through parental estrangement too. I have a limited, strained relationship with my Mum to facilitate a grandparent relationship for my children only. When I asked her for information on my development I told her it was to do with one of my daughters’ ASD assessments so she doesn’t know anything about me going for diagnosis.

    Good luck for Saturday. Let us know how you get on :-)

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  • in reply to NAS64098

    Bizarrely I’ve been through parental estrangement too. I have a limited, strained relationship with my Mum to facilitate a grandparent relationship for my children only. When I asked her for information on my development I told her it was to do with one of my daughters’ ASD assessments so she doesn’t know anything about me going for diagnosis.

    Good luck for Saturday. Let us know how you get on :-)

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