Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey all,
I have since 10 months a very toxic relationship with my current boyfriend. He is also on the spectrum and was diagnosed a few years ago. I don't know if others (women) have similar problems here but whenever i'm in a romantic relationship i start to doubt why they are with me...and it has to be like in the fairytales, because to me, that's real love. I know deep down that love comes in all shapes and situations that we can't always plan but for some reason, my head tries to bring me back to a very black and white concept of what my partner should be and how our relationship should be. When i'm in a relationship, my autism seems to get very bad...and looks more like Borderline. I get attached to my partner straight away, and whenever something doesn't seem to add up of how i want it to be, i get panic attacks and anxiety and even to the point where i get aggressive. I'm a very kind hearted woman, soft and sensitive and i get so many emotions then, it stacks all up and i explode. I tend to get VERY bad OCD thoughts in my relationships.
For example, one of the things i struggle with at the moment is... That my boyfriend tried to date other women after he saw me ''once''. He said that he found me a very beautiful and interesting woman on first sight and he wanted to be with me but he said he thought he couldn't get me and that he was very unsure about himself, so he would keep on exploring on dating apps to find someone to date with. But what i don't understand is... Why didn't he try harder to contact me through social media? He said that was because he really wasn't sure about himself and that he thought i would think he is weird. (He always thought he was a weirdo in the past and low self esteem) that he thought he had to lower himself and be on the dating app to find people through this whom haven't judged him yet. I kinda understand this and i want to believe this, but my head tells me, i should only go for the fairytales and believe i was second best :(
The thing is that i'm so obsessed by these thoughts and other things he had done in the past or when i'm unsure of when it happend, that i keep asking him questions over and over again...because something in me tells me, he might not be telling the truth 100% or that people change, so he might change his mind at some point, or forget etc...So it's like everyday... i need to ask him questions, and repeat the same things over and over again until it fits in my head and my scripture of how i want it to be and then it relaxes me if he says something i want to hear...
And then the next day... i'm back to scratch... like the questions where never answered and i have to fill my head again with answers that sooth me and then i feel back at ease. Over and over again, and this for 10 months!
He has autism too so for him it's really hard to carry and for me too, cause i have constant fears and worries but we love each other... and we are both attached to each other.
I really don't know what to do... I just hope to find people who had/have similar situations and knowing that i'm not the odd one out in the autism community.
This happened in almost ALL my relationships to the point where it always had to end. I had a lot of things happen to me when i was very young, been cheated on often, lied to...and my mind doesn't want to forget this...it stacks up, it never vanishes... :'(
Thankyou for highlighting this. I’ve got similar problems afoot. I’ve read the replies on here too to try get an insight. I guess what me and you are doing is projecting and masking and fairytailing. The question has to be: Where is miss authenticity under all this disguise? What we both have to do is become our true selves. What stands out in all this is the fact ur fella thought your ‘mask’ was too unreachable for him. So why not be the more comfortable version of yourself, for both you and him. You’re living up to an ideal.
So how do we find this elusive creature? The real you. The real me? I’m quite old, and after a lifetime of rollercoaster train wrecks I decided to take myself off and find out who I actually was. I came off social media and drove my travelling van to a completely isolated place in Cornwall. These were my questions, my quest: Who was I with no one looking? What would I do if no body was there? What would I enjoy? Two years later I’m back in a relationship as my authentic self with an ‘unreachable’ man who is allowing himself to be authentic too. A year now. I’m amazed. However, more recently, all the old patterns you describe have just started to crowd back in. So I’ve pulled away for a few days, to re-find my centre. The scared child is panicking like fck, but this new solid part of me I found on that lonely beach, just knows it’ll be alright, and he’ll wait, or I’ll find someone even better.
I write this four years after your post. I hope your fairytale crumbled and you became finally happy with who you are x