Do you ever want it to just end?

Until recently I’ve never really bothered about my aspergers, I just accepted I was a bit weird and got on with it. That is, until my girlfriend dumped me last August. Since then, I’ve had massive feelings of worthlessness, and being the only person in my family with autism. I kinda feel like a freak, constantly having to put on a performance to appear “normal”. I’ve also got dyspraxia, so i can be clumsy. I’m also not the best looking guy around. All of this adds up to me feeling so worthless and alone that I’m struggling to see a way out. And I feel like I’ve no one to talk to. And will never find someone who cares about me. Sorry, I just needed to vent

  • Its ok to vent AT TIMES!

    If you have a caring family...thats a massive positive...I dont say this next thing to win any "poor me" points...but im literally on my own.

    I have 2 children and an ex partner, that i seldom see now at all...recent break up of 19yr relationship.Moved 27th Dec into bungalow , mainly due to spinal issues and fibro and nerve damage...which stops me enjoying any physical activity...so im kind of trapped either way (Autism-diagnosed late at 51-last year)

    So i got my diagnosis the same time i was trying to process my 19yr relationship separation..

    How i havent ended me life is a miracle and i know it really is just that, as i have faith .

    But having only a mother and sister left in my family and cousins etc all wanting nothing to do with me...and my ex [partner ending the relationship....i can tell you, i feel completely worthless and a pain and bother to anyone who has the misfortune of meeting me...That thought does its rounds quite incessantly...

    but there are times of clarity, like a glimmer of light, thats about enough to keep going...but in truth...its been dimming alot lately.

    As for your comments....I dont know your age, but in truth...its likely you WILL meet someone else at some point....how ,when and why, who knows!

    Until then, spend some time brushing yourself up....learning technics,letting go of this and that, adding this and that...and hopefully keeping hope within you to know you ARE worth while and have a life to offer others..

    Ive resigned myself to the knowledge now, that i will highly likely die alone and live alone for that matter , from henceforth!.,

    Luckily , i live in a technological age (internet) where being alone , doesnt always "feel like im alone".

    If you'd spoken to me a few days ago....i'd have likely said i could see no hope....As i always tend to ruminate...this loop of hopelessness, comes ever so often....but today, for now! im reasonably positive.!

    Break ups are  horrific my friend....many a neurotypical has gone to their grave from heartache....(We) maybe? feel all of this on a more intense, scrutinised level due to our ruminating tendencies ! 

    Vent away!   if we cant do that here, where can we do it

  • Yes i do.  Social isolation is a painful thing for me and i've lost my get up and go. I have confined myself to barracks so as not to have to fight anymore battles.

  • I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling. 

    As much as it's really difficult when a relationship breaks down, it's not a reflection on you as an individual - sometimes, people just aren't compatible, or they drift away from one another. It doesn't make you worthless, and you're not defined by others' opinions of you. 

    It might be good to talk to someone close to you about how you're feeling. If you don't feel able to do that, the Samaritans or the NAS Helpline would be able to listen and offer support. 

    Being autistic makes you unique - that's not a bad thing. The world would be boring if we were all the same. Clumsiness can feel awkward sometimes, but you're probably more conscious of it that anyone else is (and even if some people notice, try not to worry about it - they'll soon forget whatever happened). Also, when you say you're not the best looking guy around, that's completely subjective - people are attracted to different looks/features, and there are much more important things than what you look like. I've always valued personality before looks, and lots of people feel the same way.

    Take care of yourself - I hope you start feeling better soon.

  • I think we all do at some points. Having this condition isn't pleasant.