Published on 12, July, 2020
Everyone experiences things differently, of that there is no doubt. I’d like to gain other people’s perspectives, to gain other people’s view on the neurotype which we have in common, Autism. Perhaps through sharing, we can gain insight and help each other, or perhaps it might just be cathartic for people to share, in any case:What does your Autism mean to you?
I’ll start by conveying what my Autism means to me:
My Autism means freedom, from expectations of fitting in with the majority of people. My Autism means that I’ve forgiven myself for being different/odd/weird. I am as I am, as long as I kind and caring towards others to the best of my ability then that is good enough for me. I do not need other people’s approval for the way my brain functions.
My Autism means that I’ve finally found where I belong. My diagnosis has opened up a world of other autistic people who ‘get it’, who I can speak with on the same level. It was of course, a world that was always there, I just didn’t realise that I belonged before.
My Autism means I have a unique insight into how my youngest daughter’s mind works (nearly 3, also Autistic, still pre-verbal). It means that I can read her, translate her non-verbal communication (which too be fair she’s pro at) into verbal communication for those that don’t understand her. My Autism means that I can advocate for her, with ‘inside knowledge’ to family, nursery staff, professionals, etc.
My Autism means that I can advocate for other Autistic people. At support groups for parents of Autistic children; When my Autistic friends are struggling to get to appointments or do other tasks.
My Autism means that I‘ve found a purpose building community within the Autistic population. It led me to start my group for other autistic women in my local area. Because members of any tribe are stronger together as opposed to being dotted around on their own. Through this group I also learn about a lot of resources for both autistic adults and children and I signpost people who I meet, whether it is the lonely autistic adult who needs to find a social group or the parent who doesn’t know what to do to help their child. I’d love to be able to take this whole advocacy thing further actually, to be able to make more of a difference to the access to resources for autistic people but this at present is just an idea.....
Autism... it's something that I'm only just fully getting my head around as I've not had my diagnosis long but here's my summary:
Autism is a completely different way of thinking and living. Our brains are hardwired in a completely different way to those without autism. We get to the same conclusions but our methodology is unique;
Autism has given me a way to forgive myself for things that happened years ago. Strange behaviour, difficult times, situations that I handled badly but I had no idea why... now I do. And they're not entirely my fault;
Autism is a constant headache of whirring thoughts and feelings. I'm faced with a problem or decision and instead of being able to properly decide upon which option is the most appropriate and sticking to that, my head explores everything and what consequences each action could have and then I have a meltdown as my head can't cope;
Autism is a constant battle in my mind between what I think I should do and what I feel I want to do in order to stay sane and not end up in tears. Social norms & requirements escape me but I still feel as though I have to confirm and mask my feelings to try and get by. I'm trying to change this with those that I trust the most, but it's hard to break a lifetime habit;
Autism brings not only mental challenges, but physical ones too. Sounds, lights, crowded places... they become physical. It can become painful if I get exposed to certain things too much and then I have an emotional meltdown that I cannot control;
Autism can give us obsessions which are often something to take immense pride in. A lot of knowledge, work and time can go into our hobbies and interests. This isn't praised enough with the community. We have a vast amount of knowledge between us;
Autism can make fundamental parts of life so difficult... for example, change. I absolutely hate it and it sends me into a meltdown, especially if it is a sudden change.
The everyday struggle is real but not everything is bad. We can feel and express everything so strongly... if someone with autism has it in them to express feelings of love, caring, loyalty (and others) to you, those are deep feelings that will not be broken unless something absolutely shatters that apart. And then, you won't want to mess with us as the strength of feelings work both ways haha.
We carry on ️
It's difficult when you're first diagnosed, you'll be amazed at just how much your self perception and understanding will change over teh coming months, in a good way. Autism is definitely a very different way of thinking.
It's good to forgive yourself for things that weren't your fault or were out of your control :-)
Ah yes, we always have to think everything through thoroughly before we can make a decision. Personally I've found that I've got better at making a decision as I've got older, possibly my methods for making a decision have improved.
I tend to 'half mask' when I'm with NTs, that is I'll use a certain amount of text book social skills so as to be socially acceptable, but I'm still me, if that makes sense?
Definitely any one of us likely has specialist knowledge in at least one subject.
Oh I HATE sudden change! It completely fries my brain!! It's like all of my thought processes get scattered all over teh place and it can take hours to days to get them all back in the right order again!
Most of the time I don't feel But when I do feel, it's intense!
We always carry on :-)