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Waiting for assessment - having such a hard and lonely time. Suicidal feelings.

Jen25

Hi all, I posted a while ago about getting an autism diagnosis and I am now waiting for an assessment. 

I am having a really really lonely and difficult time. Firstly I am struggling badly with all the symptoms of autism that I have had for years. Secondly, I feel as if my parents might have always known I had difficulties but covered it up. It sounds like a horrible thing to say but thinking back now there were so many things about me as a child which needed pointing out to someone and which I needed help for. I know I am 25 years old and maybe back when I was a kid my problems were abnormal and not something you'd see a doctor for. I dont know. My family is the sort to be ashamed of and cover problems sadly. I feel as though my mum also has symptoms of autism. Maybe she doesn't realise this herself. I could do with having a parent to come with me to my autism assessment but my dad passed away a few years back and I don't feel able to talk to my mum about my autism concerns. She will get too overwhelmed and then I will too and it will cause me to have a melt down.  

I have lost friends lately too. No one ever treats me properly because I am easy to use and push around. I wind up getting hurt so much that I push people out. Now I have only one friend and I don't even understand or feel connected to her. 

I have had to defer my studies at university and am having an awful time finding a job. Being around new people EXHAUSTS me. An hour of it is enough to cause me all sorts of harm and meltdowns. I need a job. My family don't know what's going on because I cant talk to them so they dont understand why I cannot keep up and lead a normal life like everyone else. 

I am just trapped .. and lost. It's to the point where I really don't know what to do anymore and I am in such a dark and lonely place it doesn't feel like there is a way out. The only way out I see is dying. I have no help. It could take months to get an assessment. Years even. How do I keep on going. Life is so overwhelming and painful. Sorry for this awful pitiful post. 

Parents

  • I don’t find your post pitiful. It’s powerful and brave. To speak so clearly about what is going on for you and to share it here. It sounds incredibly hard to struggle like you are and have little/no support, so the fact that you are still reaching out and keeping on shows strength and resilience.

    I have found helplines like Samaritans and others incredibly useful in dark times and would really encourage you to use them. That contact with a compassionate listener is vital.

    How did posting here feel? even just writing it down?

    When I’m really struggling I often write and write or even doodle and draw. Everything and anything that I’m thinking and feeling. To me this acts like letting off steam, like opening a pressure valve, and sometimes even gives me useful insight or understanding so I start connecting more to myself and finding compassion for myself. When I keep it all in it seems to overwhelm and grow. Letting it out like this helps it not all stay inside and overtake me.

    What you’re doing and dealing with is really tough stuff, keep on, keep posting and seeking help around you. Sometimes it comes from unexpected places but don’t give up. Look after yourself.

Reply

  • I don’t find your post pitiful. It’s powerful and brave. To speak so clearly about what is going on for you and to share it here. It sounds incredibly hard to struggle like you are and have little/no support, so the fact that you are still reaching out and keeping on shows strength and resilience.

    I have found helplines like Samaritans and others incredibly useful in dark times and would really encourage you to use them. That contact with a compassionate listener is vital.

    How did posting here feel? even just writing it down?

    When I’m really struggling I often write and write or even doodle and draw. Everything and anything that I’m thinking and feeling. To me this acts like letting off steam, like opening a pressure valve, and sometimes even gives me useful insight or understanding so I start connecting more to myself and finding compassion for myself. When I keep it all in it seems to overwhelm and grow. Letting it out like this helps it not all stay inside and overtake me.

    What you’re doing and dealing with is really tough stuff, keep on, keep posting and seeking help around you. Sometimes it comes from unexpected places but don’t give up. Look after yourself.

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