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Newly diagnosed autistic man having relationship problems

NAS65112

Hi all, 

So I've recently been diagnosed with autism. This has helped my relationship in some ways as this has explained some of my annoying behaviour. However, my girlfriend has bpd and when she has a period where she finds it difficult, I really struggle.

When there's conflict I find it really hard to 'man up' and say my piece or try to diffuse the situation and I'm unable to say a single word - my partner and I call it 'shutting down'. so the situation spirals and I know Im the one to blame for making it so hard for her to come back to the girl I know and love. 

Does anyone have any tips or solutions on how I can cope with shutting down and maintain the ability to speak when my partner is having a tough time dealing with either me or her situation?

Any responses are greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my mesage

  • may i ask how you were diagnosed?

  • Firstly you're not ...

    NAS65112 said:
    the one to blame for making it so hard for her to come back

    You shut down because that's what your neurology makes you do.

    Have you tried talking (as a couple) with a professional?

    One thing that my psychologist talked to me about in relation to a similar issue (getting overwhelmed by emotions in my case) is 'defusing'...

    Basically, you have to be able to step back from the situation/feeling so that you can allow it to happen without it driving your response.

    It comes from Acceptance & Commitment Therapy - see this link: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/defusion.htm

    So, for example you need to identify what is going on for you when your partner is struggling e.g. you might be thinking "I'm useless because I can't help them!!!"

    One exercise I did was to write the thought down on a piece of paper, then Commit to 'feeling it' i.e. what is the ultimate (feared) outcome that it leads to e.g. "My partner will suffer harm" or "I will split up with my partner"

    "I'm useless because I can't help my partner when they are struggling"

    Then, you start to 'defuse' that feeling... you write above it "I am having the thought that..." so

    "I am having the thought that

    I'm useless because I can't help my partner when they are struggling"

    Read that a couple of times, take in that this is a 'thought'...

    Then the last step, write "I am noticing that... above the first line...

    "I am noticing that

    I am having the thought that

    I'm useless because I can't help my partner when they are struggling"

    Read that out loud several times, recognise that you are noticing that you are reacting to a thought - by this time you should be able to deal with that thought for what it is... just words. 

    You can visualise 'putting it to one side' by folding up the paper and putting it somewhere with the idea that you'll come back to it later - after you've used your new-found calm to help your partner.

    Not sure what else might help (mindfulness techniques possibly e.g. 'leaves on a river') but the key is you need to 'tool up' so that when the situation arises you have new 'patterns' that you fall into which are more helpful...

    Best of luck...

  • Hi there!

    Me and my partner have a similar dynamic to this, I was misdiagnosed with bpd before I got my ASD diagnosis, they can present similarly in females. Anywho, my partner shuts down whenever I am having my really bad emotional/depressive/self destructive moments.. it's super tricky. I've had to try and become more understanding of his silence, as one thing, but part of that was finding ways for him to communicate more easily... A few things we do, which aren't perfect, but a compromise, and a work in progress: we go for a drive - when he is focused on driving he finds it easier to process what I'm saying as he isn't directly focused and pressured to communicate, plus I get a chance to talk and know he is listening. Also sometimes we just message each other... Once he is removed from the immediate communication he finds he can think more clearly and can articulate some thoughts well enough to communicate them via messages and we can make some kind of plan. We have also worked on deciding a few ways for him to say something, anything really, just by habit like 'I can see you're really struggling,  what can I do to help?' 'im sorry about the silence, I'm shutting down a bit (we call it this too) but I am here for you and I am here to listen' 

    So yeah, him shutting down isn't going anywhere soon, but the less pressure is on him to fix me and the situation, the better he seems to fare. It's about putting things into place that are easy to implement as soon as situations arise, so you can go on rote and habit until she is able to work with you so you can both work on getting her to a better place. 

    I don't know if this is at all helpful but I really wanted to offer a response 

    All the best xx