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Emotions hurt so much...

Original Prankster

So, I went to see 'Last Christmas' with my wife & a couple of in-laws...

SiL: "That was a good film - I enjoyed it"

Wife: "Yes, better than I expected from the reviews... what did you think of it N?"

Me: "I'm going to need to go for a run to get over it..."

Them: "????"

It's a sad rom-com, I sat through a lot of it trying not to break down sobbing as the emotion of it was just TOO MUCH!

I don't think watching a film like this is supposed to make you feel like you have someone grabbing you by the throat while they punch you in the stomach... is it?

I feel like there's a deep well of pain trapped inside me and it's constantly on the brink of bursting out if the slightest crack* opens up in the walls I've built around it.

Feeling stuff just hurts so much sometimes. No wonder I have a reputation for being 'cold and heartless', I just can't afford to risk the pain.

No real point to this, just the NTs in my life won't 'get it' however hard they try (bless 'em)...

Gonna strap my running shoes on, 10k of trails should help 'Ease the pain'...

*edited: originally 'c_hink' not 'crack' but clearly NAS thinks this is a racial slur so filtered it to *** FFS! Your censorship is overkill...

Parents

  • I feel like there's a deep well of pain trapped inside me and it's constantly on the brink of bursting out if the slightest crack* opens up in the walls I've built around it. (Sorry the quote function won’t work properly for me at the moment!)

    The longer that I continue in my post diagnostic journey, the more I realise that the above sentence probably applies to me too!

    Over on Facebook ‘the girl with the curly hair project’ has a new song ready to release next year 

    Does this resonate with you?

  • in reply to Kitsune

    100% Kitsune...

    I think it's the 'build a protective shell' response that has lead to autistics getting the reputation of being emotionless/having no empathy - we just can't afford to.

    Emotional overload, same as sensory overload... NTs just either aren't affected as deeply or are able to more easily 'shrug it off' and get on with their lives...

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  • in reply to Kitsune

    100% Kitsune...

    I think it's the 'build a protective shell' response that has lead to autistics getting the reputation of being emotionless/having no empathy - we just can't afford to.

    Emotional overload, same as sensory overload... NTs just either aren't affected as deeply or are able to more easily 'shrug it off' and get on with their lives...

Children
  • in reply to Original Prankster

    Thank you for the link. Yeah I guess it can be a bit like that. I’m also finding recently, that rather than not getting anxious, it’s more that I focus my anxieties on components rather than the whole, if that makes sense? I don’t have a generalised anxiety about a certain thing BUT I will have an anxiety about one or more small parts of a thing. 

  • in reply to Kitsune

    Saw this & thought of you...

    https://twitter.com/ASmallFiction/status/1211880392141094912

    I paraphrase it as:

    From inside an egg it's hard to tell the difference

    between a shell starting to crack

    and a world falling apart

  • in reply to Original Prankster

    Personally I think it’s a mixture of two things. Firstly, I don’t have typical emotional responses or typical awareness of emotional responses to events or situations that would be expected to cause an emotional response and that later, in hindsight, I can see did cause a response of some description, I just didn’t feel it. Secondly, I do sometimes feel. I can hurt, emotionally. But I learned many years ago (bare in mind I had a ABI in March 07 so have been aware of having different neurology prior to my Autism diagnosis) that I could use my neurology to detach myself emotionally from things that caused me hurt. I learned that I could very effectively suppress my feelings and be emotionless.

    Two contrasting concepts perhaps? On one hand not feeling emotions ‘typically’, on the other hand purposefully suppressing and detaching from emotions. Yet, I have enough self awareness to know that both of those processes occur in me at different times. Complicated!