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Help Please!

NAS65034

I have recently started seeing a man with what he describes as low-level autism.  We've been seeing each other for about 5 weeks.  We really like each other and are getting on brilliantly except that he is going through some very difficult things in his personal life at the moment, things which are out of his control, and he isn't coping well.  I want to support him and am not put off by the difficulties in his life but I've never been around anyone with autism before and I'm used to having a husband who was a good communicator (I am a widow).  I really want to make this new relationship work as I think he's worth it, but I'm struggling to cope with what feels like being shut out at times.  For example, this evening he was supposed to come to my house for dinner and he has texted to say he can't come because he is really upset about ... and needs to be alone.  I now feel like I'm being shut out, but I suspect from our previous conversations that he just needs space.  But I'm left on my own this evening, feeling disappointed.  I would rather he just come over and we talk about it but he won't.

I guess the point of me joining this forum and starting this thread is can people explain what's going on in his head or how best I can cope myself and support him.  I'm wondering if I can cope in the long term with what feels like rejection, but I suspect isn't.  How do other partners cope?

Thank you

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  • I'm autistic, and not in a relationship, so I don't know if my advice will be useful. But from the perspective of an autistic person, I would say that one of the most valuable things an autistic person can learn to do is recognise the signs that they are heading for an extreme state like meltdown or shutdown (your friend might not choose to use these exact terms) and take steps to bring themselves back to a less over-stimulated or overwhelmed state. Withdrawal is something that might really work for your friend to do that, and 'talking about it' might not, especially as it sounds like you haven't known each other for that long. Also, you might need to remember that verbal communication can be very difficult for some autistic people when they are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, even if they don't seem to have difficulties with using speech most of the time.

    Maybe it would help if you were to think about what it would be like to see someone who had a different neurological condition like epilepsy or regular migraines; I think some people who live with those conditions can tell when a seizure/attack is potentially going to happen and then do things that might prevent it or make them safer or more comfortable if the attack can't be prevented. That might include cancelling plans and staying at home.

    If it was me in the position of having to cancel, I would want to feel like the other person understood and accepted why I had to cancel. I think feeling disappointed is normal, I would feel disappointed if a friend had to cancel something for health reasons (or other very valid reasons like travel problems or childcare difficulties).

    I think I would also appreciate an offer of practical support if I was close enough to the person to feel I could accept (it might need to be a quite specific offer, like "can I bring you some dinner?" or "can I do some shopping for you?", based on knowing what was likely to be most difficult for the person to manage to do if they were recovering from a heightened state).

  • in reply to Invisiblewoman

    Thank you so much. That's really helpful. It's good to get the perspective of someone who is autistic.  Are you able to suggest any books / websites that explain adult autism? I've found a lot about "what to do if you think your child has autism" but struggling to find a layman's explanation of how it manifests. I really want to try to understand. He has told me some things but to begin with he didn't tell me he was autistic at all because he thought it might put me off! 

  • in reply to NAS65034

    Most of the books I have been reading have been written by autistic women and are maybe more focused on women's experiences. I think people recommend The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood, who is a well respected writer on the subject.

    I think you might learn quite a bit from reading blogs written by autistic people. There's a pretty comprehensive list called the Actually Autistic Blogs List. Musings of An Aspie is a classic, written by Cynthia Kim. She doesn't update her blog any more but there's lots of useful info and an essential reading list here is probably a good place to start: https://musingsofanaspie.com/essential-reading/

    Also try Autistic Not Weird, the author has some good explanations of different aspects of autism.

    Do remember that one autistic person's differences, strengths and weaknesses won't be the same as any other autistic person's. There is an aphorism that expresses this which is popular among autistic people, which is "when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person". 

    I think my final piece of advice would be to listen, and don't assume that you do understand everything because you have a bit of knowledge. For anyone trying to support me, whether as a friend or professional, I want to be listened to and taken seriously, and not have assumptions made because someone has read some books or blogs, or done a training course or whatever. I am the expert in my autism.

  • in reply to Invisiblewoman

    Thank you that's great. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply so fully. Happy Christmas! 

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