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Advice Please - Christmas

Novusalopian

Hi,

I've only joined this forum today and so I apologise in advance that this topic most likely will have been discussed already. I would like some advice on some specific issues I have. To give you a bit of background, I am 29 years old and live with my 41 year old partner. I am not formally diagnosed yet, though I am on a waiting list on the NHS and am currently going through the process of getting a private diagnosis.

I have a lot of issues with Christmas, but my main two are these:

1) I feel like I'm putting all of the effort in, and it's extremely frustrating.

To expand a little, I make sure that I have bought my friends (I don't have very many, so it's not exactly hard) Christmas presents, and will have them wrapped and ensure that they have them before Christmas Day, even if it means driving hundreds of miles across the country, which is what I have done this year. Now, I understand that expecting someone else to do the same as this is unrealistic, but surely it's not that hard to put a present in the post, or something? My closest friend actually told me today that she hasn't even wrapped my present yet, and it really makes me feel like she doesn't value our friendship anywhere near as much as I do. How can I overcome this frustration?

2) My parents are coming over for Christmas to the new house that my partner and I have only had for 6 months. They will be staying from the evening of Christmas Eve through to the morning of Boxing day.

My parents (my mum and her sister) don't know that I'm on the waiting list to be diagnosed with ASD. My mum would make it entirely about her by blaming herself and completely ignore my feelings. She would also sabotage any potential diagnosis that I was having in order to make herself feel better. This sounds awful, but I know that this is the case. I love my mother and get on with her extremely well, but she does have a tendency of playing the victim. My mum and aunt are very critical of things, especially cooking (which I actually really enjoy), and I know this will wind me up. My mother also keeps referring to our new house as a hotel, which she means to be affectionate, but frustrates me as it feels like she's taking us for granted. I also want to try and enjoy Christmas with just me and my partner for at least part of the day, but don't know how to go about asking for some time alone. Any advice on how to deal with all of this?

Parents

  • Well I think you are doing s lot for other people.   You are incredibly kind and giving, which is wonderful.  I’d make the most of this Christmas, enjoy as much as possible but next year make sure to do something different so your parents don’t expect to be staying every Christmas!  I had our  in all the effort for many years for in-laws and family and ended up wondering why I bothered !   I have children now so Christmas is about them, my daughter is undergoing a diagnosis so we keep visitors to a minimum as we have enough going on without looking after grown ups (who sit and expect to be waited on!),

    Do you have to tell your mum about the diagnosis ? Would she understand ? What are the benefits of telling her ? Maybe get yourself used to the diagnosis and tell your mum another time.  If you tell her now it will resonate around Christmas and any negativity from her might add to the stress, keep stress to the minimum, put you and your partner first.  I think Christmas is like a pressure cooker of emotions and expectations and it’s not the easiest of times, then again I don’t have the easiest of families.  I’m sure yours are lovely, just remember to think what’s best for you not what you ought to do x 

  • in reply to Mum on a mission :)

    Thanks for the advice. My partner and I swap parents at Christmas, so next year we'll be having it with his parents (though we're not sure where yet). I'm not going to tell her yet, especially over Christmas. Maybe post-diagnosis I will, assuming that the diagnosis goes as expected. I don't have an easy family either, so I can relate. My mother and I have a good relationship now, but there have been very hard times in the past.

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