I got diagnosed with Autism yesterday.
I hoped I would feel relieved at an explanation, at understanding why things have never "clicked".
Thing is, I don't feel relieved, I feel a lot of sorrow for things that have happened or may have happened.
I've been in the same relationship for nearly nine years now. I'm able to talk to my wife about it, she understands.
My head however has latched onto my previous relationship, who at the time I really deeply thought was "the one", of course she wasn't, it was a bad relationship that ended badly that left me a mess for a while.
But now, I think for my part in that relationship and others, particularly the night we finally broke up, and I realise that I was having a meltdown, and there were times before where I was melting down and I remember the extreme guilt and remorse I had for my behaviour. I remember the times I've had what I think are meltdowns to my wife, and I hate it. Somehow it was easier thinking it was a personal flaw rather than my brain functions being different as that removes any chance of me having not done that.
I really wish I could say sorry to me ex. I lost a lot of people I cared about because of it. Things I wish I could take back, or explain. I can't. I can never explain that when I said I felt terrible, that I wasn't exactly sure why I'd reacted so badly to something, I was telling the truth (something I'd convinced myself I wasn't).