How do neurologically typical people feel & experience life?

What's it like not to constantly be upsetting people you care about and have no idea:

 a) what you did that upset them

 b) why they're so upset about it (even some considerable time later)

 c) why your rational explanation of why they shouldn't be upset in the first place just makes things worse

 d) how to 'fix' it

 e) how to stop it happening again

Feeling very 'disabled by autism' today...

I'm really sorry about that it happened to you :( I try my best to help you with understanding what are usually in NT people's minds when someone hurt them, even when they don't mean it.

a) what did you do to upset them:

it's a tricky one. Since I have anxiety, I always feel like that everyone hates me, after I leave a conversation, I overthink every single thing I said, like "why did I had to say this" "probably I was really annoying". But I can make a comparison, since I know that my autistic husband didn't mean it, but said things what I was really sensitive about, and made me cry.

But sometimes even us, NT people doesn't know how other people are going to react to something we say or do.

b) why they're so upset about it (even some considerable time later):

it's sometimes because there are some things with some people what they are really-really sensitive about, and it's hard to forget when you (accidentally) hit that close to home.

c) why your rational explanation makes things worse:

I know that you mean well, but rational explanation of why they shouldn't be upset can really make things worse. It's because the other person feels like that you belittle their feelings, and it feels like you blame them for misunderstanding you, what I know you don't mean to. Emotions are really tricky things, and my husband struggles with those, even his own, let alone realizing someone else's. NTs are dealing with these kind of things better since we automatically put ourselves in the other person's place (well not everyone, the more emphatic people), and you say and do things what would make you feel better.

d) how to 'fix' it:

Usually how to fix it is to acknowledge the other's feelings (and usually apologize. But there are things you shouldn't apologize for, for example for having feelings, taking up space, etc. I know it makes things more complicated, and I'm sorry for that. But people usually appreciate when you apologize, but you should never be overly humbling, (if I'm making any sense, I'm not native English), since sometimes it's really not your fault and you're not responsible for other people's feelings, like I'm done with Christmas Cards says).

I know it's easier to said than done, so I'll try my best to explain here: NT people when they say things what they don't mean, usually explain why they said these, their situations, where this came from, to make the other understand them more. It's like "I'm sorry I said this, but I was upset, because xxx happened before that, and I didn't mean to take it out on you."

Now, I know that autistic people are straightforward what's awesome, in some situation it's really great, but NT people usually don't like to hear the truth for some reason, usually because they try to not think about it, or they make themselves feel better by telling lies to themselves, what sounds awful.

So, overall, what makes it better is usually saying things like: "I know I made you upset and you have every right to feel that way. I'm sorry I said this, but I didn't know it's a sensitive subject to talk about. I really didn't mean to offend you."

But I know some people then come at you with things like "you use your autism as an excuse" like you said. It's a really thin line between making them understand that you didn't mean it, and them misinterpreting it for you "victimizing yourself". And usually it's not your fault, because in some cases there's nothing you can do, what's really bad.

Sadly there's no universal solution what works with everyone. Everyone's a little bit different, some are more accepting, and for some people you just need to give them time, because it sounds really weird, but some people really like to hold grudges, and it takes time for them to come around, and you can't do anything about it because you tried everything. But in these cases I think it's the best to just let them go, because I know it sucks since you care about them, but there are people who are just toxic like that (but when it's a family member, it's even harder). If they really worth your time and caring, they try to understand you.

e) how to stop it happening again:

you can't. It's impossible to keep track on things what other people don't like to hear, and I know there's so much to learn, and I'm really sorry. I'm always telling my husband that he's doing awesome in a world that's not autistic-friendly, to say at least.

I hope I could help. And again, it's not your fault that you don't automatically know what hurts other people. If they care about you as much as you care about them, they also try to work it out and try to understand you.

It's a lot of communicating, since NTs think a little bit different than autistic people (I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make is a "you vs me" situation), and I know it's really hard to talk about feelings, at least my husband really struggles with talking about his own feelings since he says that he doesn't understand them. Maybe writing it down helps, but probably you know the best what works for you.

But really, the most important thing, again, if they worth your time and caring, they should also work on to understand you, so it shouldn't be entirely on you.

Thanks kassandra ... bringing home brownies and cooking dinner seemed to sort tings out.

The main thing is that I can see intellectually what the issue is but it has no 'weight' - because that comes from the emotional side and I just don't understand why people (NTs) can't separate logic and emotion...

Different wiring...

I'm glad to hear that!

Well, it depends. Some NTs usually can see the logical side really well, but if they are involved, then sometimes it's hard to just think logically. But with enough communication and respect from both sides, I think we can make up for thinking differently.

I'm glad to hear that!

Well, it depends. Some NTs usually can see the logical side really well, but if they are involved, then sometimes it's hard to just think logically. But with enough communication and respect from both sides, I think we can make up for thinking differently.