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Masking

Ladybird

I’ve got some ignorant questions about masking.

I know general definition of masking, autistic or non-autistic, suppressing behaviours, feelings, emotions or personality. 

But, how do you know if it’s masking? How do you recognise it? I’d like to know if I’m masking or not. I have no idea. It’s confusing.

I know examples of masking : forcing eye contact (I can do it for a second with some people - then I look at the mouth or unfocus my eyes to make my vision blurred - does it count as masking?) 

The advice is that autistic shouldn’t mask but then there’s also advice that they should look between people’s eyes to pretend eye contact. Confusing.

I can’t fake small talk because I have no idea what to say and so I tend to kill any conversation almost instantly but a lot of people dislike small talk and say it’s fake so I my guess is that most of them are masking (by forcing themselves to do it)

And masking and manners - aren’t “good manners” in fact masking? If someone uses knife and fork when eating with others because it’s what is expected-but when eating alone uses fork only - is that masking? 

If someone says please and thank you just because it’s considered polite and they don’t want to be considered rude but deep down they don’t care about those niceties - is that masking?

What about those situations: I walk around the puddles instead of jumping over them because I don’t want to draw people’s attention (but I do it when nobody’s around)

And I sway sometimes and if there’s music playing I’m doing it in public because I think nobody will notice or pay attention (because I think it looks a bit like dancing) but I try to stop doing it if there’s no music and someone is with me - masking?

And I keep chewing on my clothes when reading at home but not at work (unless I’m alone in the room). 

But most of people behave differently in public so maybe it’s nothing that special?Shrug♀️

  • masking is...answering "fine", "good" when asked how you are even though inside you wanna scream "no I'm not fine I'm on the verge of a meltdown"

    masking is...keeping the seethe inside when people greet you and don't stop at "good morning" or "hello" but insist on adding "how are you","good weekend" AND wanting an answer!

    masking is...coming up with a suitable reply when asked "what are you doing at the weekend?" or "had a good weekend?" when all you wanted to do/did was curl up and sleep

    masking is...making small talk with the till assistant when inside you're just screaming "get on with scanning my stuff so I can get out of this sensory hellhole"

    masking is...sitting in meetings trying to keep a suitably interested/excited look on your face when actually you cope much better with your eyes shut

  • in reply to JohnS

    ^^^ Yes - I agree - it's a performance.   Some people are very good at it - I can pass for 'normal' a lot of the time as long as the situation falls within my mask's abilities to hide in plain sight.    If something outside of my mask's abilities occurs, I stick out like a sore thumb - like a robot who's program has failed - glitch-mode - error 404 - emotion not found..

  • I always view masking as making an effort to be sociable when i would rather not bother. For me, I act like an actor saying and doing all the right things. But its a performance that i find tiring and eventually I give up and crawl back into my shell :(

  • Interesting question. 

    As an Aspie I'm not sure of the answers, but from the reading I've done this is what I believe:

    Neurotypical people learn the social norms of their culture as they grow up. By the time they are adults, their identities are fully formed and they automatically know how to behave in given situations. Different groups will behave differently in some ways to other groups depending on their self identification in areas such as class, religion, gender, political affiliation, occupation, etc. An individual person will behave differently in different situations, e.g. at home / at work / at church etc. An NT is comfortable with these ways of behaving because they feel accepted due to their ability to conform with societal expectations and adapt quickly when necessary.

    Autistic people can learn the "rules", particularly girls (which is why so few are diagnosed) however it's not about just learning the right thing to say or the correct way to hold your cutlery. NT communication is highly non verbal, and this is where we struggle. You mentioned small talk which is a great example. NT small talk is not an exploration of weather patterns, the performance factors of different cars or the economic issues governing house price changes. It's about finding out if the other person is part of one of your social groups and shares your values - the words are irrelevant. That's why we don't feel like we fit in, and why our attempts to copy NT behaviour is just that - copying, or "masking".

    I think NT adults do still modify their behaviour and control their impulses to a certain extent, but I don't think it affects them as much as autistic masking, and I believe it's much easier for them and usually pretty automatic (unless they have criminal tendencies). But autistic masking always causes exhaustion, even when we avoid meltdowns, and we always need recovery time afterwards.

    I don't mind the fact that I "mask" in the outside world (luckily my partner is autistic) as I just look on it as having good manners, which I appreciate in others. I do have to try to stop my "small talk" moving into a lecture on a topic of my interest though, which can be difficult! And at work, where I'm well known, I sometimes say unexpected things just to shake up the conversation for a change, and it's taken in good humour and gives everyone a laugh (although you have to feel secure enough with people to do that)

    And remember, the NTs rules only apply to their own culture. When travelling, they sometimes experience "culture shock" due to finding the rules of other cultures strange and different. Social norms are culture specific, but there are no Autistic "norms" - we are all different.

  • hi NAS64395 

    you sound normal to me,i do things in public in order to conform to "the norm" if you like,then i realised after my diagnosis that i preferred being the odd 1 out

    using a knife and fork when out is good manners,and it stops certain people eating one handed so they can text with the other.

    i consider myself slightly exentric which i think is a good thing,its been proven that its more commen in us than you would expect,but unfortunatly society doesnt like free thinkers or people who stand out so its been supressed which is a shame.

    i think we feel the need to make the other person who we are talking to as comfortable as possible,once upon a time if you didnt stare the other person out you were thought of being shifty,i dont think NTs judge people very well but thats just me and my two penneth worth.