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Messed up at work

Ladybird

Yesterday I wrote post about rules and today I found out I broke one and messed up at work. I was told off at 10am and after I spent over half an hour crying in the toilet, I spent the rest of the day deciding if I should give a notice and just sitting with my eyes unfocused, shaking, wanting to go home (few people asked if I’m ok but I nodded)

I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t even think that I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t see any problem with it. But apparently it’s a big problem.

Just before I left I got another complaint. I changed some method and was asked for explanation. It threw me out of balance again.

The interesting part is that I was asked to explain why I did what I did only after the matter went to management and management said that the method doesn’t matter because it doesn’t effect the results. Then they came to me with the questions-why not straight away? I don’t know.

But the first thing I did I accept I shouldn’t have done it. I wasn’t first to do it and I just did what everyone else’s did not even thinking it could create any issue and others were told off as well (I heard them talking and joking about it) and I accept that I showed total lack of common  sense. And again, nobody from management said anything to me, no official complaint, just some higher ups yelling, asking how I can prove that it won’t happen again. Surely saying that “sorry, I won’t do it again” gives them no proof, the only way they can be 100% sure is if I won’t work there anymore.

Anyway, now I’m thinking what should I do next. 

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  • I had a similar situation at my last place of employment. It was a part-time evening job filing for the fee earners at a legal firm. (This was two years before my diagnosis).

    I arrived at my office after a fraught train journey (It was absolutely packed, barely enough standing room). I wasn't in the best mood as it was when I arrived. However, I logged into my user area and checked my emails and started to relax a bit. Ten minutes later, my line-manager said he wanted a word. I thought it was just a standard check to see how I was getting on. 

    Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. Going into the meeting room, his deputy was also there. They had received information from one of my colleagues that I was doing shoddy work. I was obviously very confused, if I am doing something wrong I prefer to be told to my face. After this, I couldn't really take anything in. I very nearly went into meltdown.

    As soon as it was over, I rushed out of the room as fast as I could, not even acknowledging my supervisors. The filing for the evening had already been brought down, I got it from the trolley, sat in my corner and started to sort it. My other colleagues started to arrive and do their things for the evening. When the office was empty I had a little weep. I just needed to let something out. Eventually, I went upstairs to the area that I was supposed to be in that evening and just got on with it, still very angry and upset.

    Towards the end of the shift, I did apologise to both of my supervisors about my uncharacteristically rude behaviour and we were good.

    I was so cheesed off after my shift I barely managed to say goodbye to my colleagues. When I got home I went into my bedroom and cried my eyes out, something I hadn't done for years.

    After this I couldn't trust anyone in my team, although I didn't tell them this. The every next evening, I was going to hand in my notice. However, I decided to stick with it, as it was only a nine month contract and was the only money I had coming in at the time.

    I did have suspicions about who did it, but I couldn't prove it.

  • in reply to CaliforniaDreamer95

    I once quit a job after i ran over a rabbit on my way into work! it really upset me and I couldnt handle it. But to be honest, I wish I had quit sooner as they were awful! Okay I'm not saying quit this job as I have no idea how things are their usually but Im saying I understand how something can throw you so off course you wish to choose the flight (fight or flight). Chill for a bit and try to move on, all the best

  • in reply to mouse2

    Hi mouse2,

    Thank you for your best wishes. However, this incident happened two years ago. I got over it. However, I have struggled to trust people since high school, and this just heightened it.

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