This is a bit of a vent of sorts I think. And a bit of a trigger warning for thoughts around intentional death.
As time goes on, the realisation of the extent of my alexithymia sinks in more.
- When I think of most members of my family, the only feeling I get is anxiety. My wife is an exception - when I think of her e.g. at work, I feel a desire to be with her.
- When I've contemplated death, whilst other people say "The thing that stops me is the impact on my family / wife / friends" this never occurs to me - it's the thought of pain however brief, panic, and changing my mind that stops me. I *would* feel bad about the impact on my wife - but that's about it.
- Hungry/Thirsty/Anxious/Bored/Contented//H*rny/Annoyed/Excited - probably in order of frequency - ish - is my "feelings wheel"
- I'm starting to realize how I'm never bothered by natural disasters or huge accidents like most people are. The only time I was "moved" by a disaster was the Tsunami around Christmas in 2000(?) where I gave some money because I felt moved.
- It's entirely possible that I'll become a grandparent without knowing about it, due to the fact that my eldest doesn't have any contact with me. I don't particularly have any feelings about this.
- Anticipating those cases where I *will* know about it, and associated weddings of my daughters etc makes me feel - yep - anxious.
And yet:
- I hate to think about people being mistreated - e.g. by terrorists
- I find it quite traumatic but annoyingly compelling when I think of people being tortured
- I occasionally cry when watching fairly innocuous movies
And I wonder if it is getting worse. I'm sure I *remember* being excited, even joyful, or at least contented as a teenager and young man.
The number of times I've been in a therapy session and the therapist has said "You're very much in your head aren't you?" - and not one of the maybe dozen different therapists I've seen has mentioned alexithymia.