So last night I realised the possible cause of an issue I experience with my wife but have no idea how to conquer it.
I really struggle with just kissing and don’t do it that often, I find if I kiss my wife it will lead to the feelings of wanting more and if she says no (which she’s very much entitled to and is normal to say no because who’s wants it all the time right lol) I feel very rejected, and this feels horrible! I then start feeling unloved and that she’s not interested (doubt that’s the case) which leads to me being even more withdrawn and less intimate.
I’ve posted a little while ago with the issues of not letting people get close to me out of fear of being hurt and find that this new revelation contributes to this issue even more. I just don’t know what to do, it’s like I want to feel emotion good or bad in regards to my wife but emotions confuse me and cause distress, my own and others, and I tend to subconscious shut my self off to them to the best of my ability.
This results in a very lonely existence,
I feel I must add that I’m aspergers and the wife is NT. Don’t know if that’ll make a difference or not though.
I'm the same to be honest, but then I simply don't initiate anything intimate anymore. The trouble with this policy, is that everthing is determined by my wife, whether I'm in the mood or not and just have except that if she gets "fruity" then I have to go with the flow, because i wont know when the next time will happen :(
It’s a good policy in the sense you get to avoid the confusion and hurt but as the wife is NT I feel she needs the intimacy from me to show that the relationship is working and I fear if I shut off to the emotions she may go else where to get emotional intimacy.
Same here. I have on occasion been quite resentful of the fact that Intimacy = (I want AND she wants) OR (she wants). Thankfully (I think!) a combination of age, antidepressants and acceptance have resulted in this becoming less of an issue for me - in a nice way i.e. a combination of feeling less frustrated and realising that I value so much more than the physical side of my marriage.
Oddly, and this is why I came to this thread, I now don't really fancy kissing or much else nowadays really - it feels kind of a weird thing to do. Which is sad, because I used to think it was one of the best things on Earth as a teenager. Hey ho.
Kissing to me is part of intercourse so feels pointless to kiss unless you plan on intercourse. But I understand it’s a sign of affection and wish I could just kiss without it having to progress to the next level so I don’t feel rejection when it doesn’t.
The simple fix is open communication - if all the conversations are going on inside your heads than neither of you will be getting what you want.
Just chatting about how you feel can clear up a lot of mysteries & anxiety - and make your interactions smoother.
Thank you for your advice, I will definitely try but talking is difficult especially to my wife(I know, strange right) I think it’s because I have this image of the perfect man for her and opening up to issues tarnishes it if that makes sense.
Then write her an e-mail - a love letter if you will - talk about fantasies and what you both would actually like to explore and how things could be - then make it reality.