I am in a really bad state and struggling with things, so many things I could talk about, have had to rewrite this post several times.
So I wanted to focus on one theme, which is dealing with a losing streak.
With my interests I collect things which I look for on ebay and gumtree, now did a usual search on gumtree and a post appeared which wish would turn up, and have not found yet in years of searching. So it was posted yesterday, I message seller, and got a quick reply saying someone is due to collect it.
So I feel bad because of it, but those feelings seem to be so much deeper than they have been in the past, it does "touch" in to suicidal feelings. I think it maybe because of change in situation, I am not working after many years working full time and am living as a recluse.
So I lost this one, usual feedback is, you lost this one, but may win next one that comes up. I have these thoughts that someone or something is in control of these events and intentionally blocking these for me.
The last time I remember winning was about 6 years ago, and since then I have lost 47 times since including this one. The odds just seem so unrealistic and I can't accept that as realistic probability.
It stresses me out so much, I then go and check my processes for checking thinngs. I even wrote some software for doing the searching for me.
I just can't see a way past this