Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I've been single a good while as discussed on a previous thread, I now know that I'd prefer a LAT (living apart together) relationship which affords us each our own space/time as well as spending time together. I've just started dating a man who also has Asperger's (total coincidence, not a connection to how we met in the first place!) - we're only a couple of dates in...
Wondering what other people's experience is of relationships where both partners are on the spectrum - I searched for 'relationships' but didn't find a previous thread, if I've missed it please tag it in! Although my enquiry is about romantic/intimate relationships I guess there may be parallels with long-term mixed-sex friendships too?
I know each pairing is unique but if there are some generic Pros / Cons I'm interested to know your thoughts
many thanks
Daisy
thank you for sharing, I'm delighted for you both x
Hi.
My OH isn't diagnosed but he has a lot of autistic traits. I don't know if he would be fulfil the criteria but I imagine he would be borderline.
We've been together for 17.5 years and he's one of the very few people who I feel totally comfortable around. When we got together it was so lovely to finally be able to be myself.
There are challenges of course. We're both very rigid in routines and planning and when they diverge it can cause arguments. But the pros have always outweighed the cons. We have separate bedrooms mostly as my sensory issues are crazy right now and we have always had plenty of time apart, even if in the same room playing computer games!
I hope this relationship works for you.
So happy that you found someone with whom you are compatible. Of course, any relationship has it's ups and downs!
No problem. The funny part is that neither of us knew anything about ASD when we met, or for the first 13 years of our relationship! But now that we do, we think it explains why we are so comfortable together (that's not to say that there haven't been difficulties along the way though).
Thank you. I can't tell you how hopeful it makes me feel when I see others with ASD having successful relationships. Bravo, I'm really happy for you.
Thanks Kitsune, I agree, I find being around others with autism traits makes me feel less different which is a welcome relief at times. Fortunately I also have a few NT friends around whom I can just be me too.
Thanks Dave :-)
I was diagnosed with ASD three months ago and my wife is 6 months behind me in the process, and I wouldn't be surprised if she got a +ve diagnosis too. Big plus for me is that there is absolutely no pressure from her to socialise with friends or family, and now that our kids are grown up we both *love* being home alone together and free to do what we each want. Sometimes we go out for coffee together, sometimes she goes out alone, sometimes I spend all day doing my hobbies, and there's no pressure. My first marriage lasted 10 years - this one is going strong at 15.
From my opinion I would suggest having clear agreed routines. Which days and how many days you meet up and what you do. Is it always cinema restaurant whatever. Who chooses each time etc
Hi Daisy! I'm afraid I don't have the answer to this. Sometimes I think that my husband is on the spectrum and sometimes I think he isn't. I do have a number of friends who are on the spectrum and what I do find is that it's easier to just be me, I don't feel the need to mask and try to act halfway 'normal'. It's nice also to have a social mirror in my autistic friends, when I notice them doing the same things that I do or reacting to situations in the same way, I find it in some way validating. Of course a romantic relationship would have a whole different dynamic to a friendship but I can definitely see the advantages of being close to someone else who has ASD.