I came across a word online, Incel. Someone who cant find a partner for sex and what not. I was looking at all the definitions of an incel but dont fit into it as the biggest thing is that they hate women and demand sex, which I dont hate women at all. All my staff are women and I like them all.
So I adore women and would love a partner but women dont own me sex, I am a virgin and doesn't really affect me but no having a partner for friendship does. I never kissed a girl or been with a woman but that's partly my fault as a lot of women would like to live with there partner but sadly I cannot as I am a very hard person to live with.
I had to move out of my mums house and move under supported living (in my own rented flat but support with staff) my OCD was out of control and did bad things, like damage of property and had to move out with my and my family good.
I find it very upsetting that I cant find a partner but when I see young couples it makes me happy not bitter. I dont think females owe me anything (like sex and what not) but it would be nice for friendship even if we live in a separate house (I heard it done by some autistic couples but cant remember who)
I am suicidal in thought but never really gone through with it, I have hair line cuts but not deep ones. I have took about 20 headache tablets when I was living with my mum but just woke up with cuts on my face and at the first house I stayed at for supported living a drunk a whole 1 litre bottle of rum and that was horrible and never drunk as much as that again (I can barely touch rum because of it)
I'm trying not to have dark thoughts but when I do its towards myself and cant blame girls for not being attracted to me (a doctor said I was good looking but I think I'm just average)
I went to Cardiff a couple of years ago one the bus and when I stepped of to catch another bus a beautiful mixd raced girl was looking at me for my wellbeing but no guts to talk to her as I'm very shy towards people and definitely towards girls. I was better looking when I was young but put a lot of weight on due to my tablets and my depression and now losing it (nearly 12 stone)
I tried to dress better but that did not work out as I have major OCD with my clothes and stuff and say this a bit of excess thread of if the material is a bit fuzzy it has to go back but my staff tells me that's not the best way to go. The most I will go to dress is smart casual but hate suits as that's not me (so guess no going to people weddings then)
I have a dark sense of humour (I like evil dead) but would never hurt anyone one as I hate real violence. I also watch videos on serial killers but this is to better understand how people think and it does scare that people like the exist.
This has been buging me for years since I was very young and told only one of my staff but she couldn't do anything for me, I have a feeling that most girls don't like me i'm invisible to most and will not smile to say hi or at least some form of greeting but this is most likely my fault as I'm not very approachable when nervous.
One last thing to add I dont want children because I can just barely look after myself and this alone is off putting to most women and cant blame them.
