My son was a happy little boy, very inventive and artistic – had a wonderful sense of fantasy. He would play with lego and build the most amazing towns all over his bedroom floor. He has an older sister, they always got on well – more like twins. I never ever worried about him. He was quite shy, but not anything that I worried about. When he hit 16 he turned into a moody monster – I thought it was just him being a teenager. As he became an adult and things didn’t improve, I thought he may be bi-polar. He went to university, but being more artistic than academic, chose the wrong degree course, got very depressed and took an overdose.
In the years that followed he applied to join the police force, wanted to join the marines, and applied for jobs that were always extreme and almost like he wanted to prove he was a man – he recently wanted to be an air traffic controller and passed all the tests until it came to psychometric testing – this seems to be the point where he always fails.
He used to ask to borrow money from me and once when I refused to lend, he became verbally aggressive. When he was in his late 20s, I suggested that he may be bi-polar and he hit the roof.
The worst thing that has happened is that I had cancer and was seriously ill for a year. In that time his wife had a miscarriage and later went on to have another two miscarriages. I was still recovering from cancer and maybe didn’t understand how he was not able to cope emotionally with these two traumas. It was after that that all hell broke loose. He started sending me horrendous text messages, was so verbally abusive and at one point pushed me out of his house, screaming in my face. We ended up not speaking for 4 years and he broke my family apart as they all defended him and said as his mother, I should put all of this right. My partner, who is not his parent now refuses to have him in our house because he is so verbally abusive towards us both.
Where are we now? He has a 5 year old daughter, lives round the corner from me and we are speaking. But, he has re-written history, says I was an awful mother. He says I’ve lied to him ( I think about Father Christmas), tells his daughter there is no such thing as make believe, and everything that he does or says is literal. If I disagree with him about anything, he says I can never admit when I’m wrong. He sees the world in a very black and white way and there is nothing in between. My dad has recently had a heart attack and is about to have a double bypass. When I told him this, he showed no emotion at all. When I visit him, depending on his mood, he will either speak to me or ignore me.
People find him odd, and can’t relate to him. They find him rude, weird and often inappropriate. He is often very childlike and it is like communicating with teenager.
I cry everyday about him but can’t seem to find a way to be at peace with him. I often think he hates me, yet he seems to be insistent that I am in his life, but on his terms. Because he is not allowed to come to our house, he has now decided he will make the rules up (he literally said this) – he emailed me banning me from his house and from seeing his daughter.
His wife, who has a nephew that is autistic, told me several months ago that she thinks he has Asperger’s. I have questioned this on many occasions, along with bi-polar, BPD, narcissistic disorders.
He is one of the most artistic people I have ever seen – I think he is a savant. He draws in the most minute detail, and can draw perfect circles and straight lines without using any drawing instruments. He makes clay models with the most beautiful detail in them. He becomes so absorbed in his artwork that he stays in his office for hours on end, even sleeps in there and I know he doesn’t sleep with his wife. She tells me that he never cuddles her or makes her feel loved. I now worry about their marriage lasting.
I feel he is living half a life and can’t find anyway in to his world that is not like anyone else’s.
He is either on the ceiling, or down on the floor and in the depths. I am fearful for him and often feel that I haven’t got him forever. I love him very much, but I am finding him increasingly difficult to be around.
