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Shutting down

Duckeggblue

Hello. I have been feeling more withdrawn and isolated than usual for a few weeks. I have been trying to hide it and pretend to cope but I really struggled last week and I feel like my brain collapsed on Friday and it has stopped trying to cope. There's no energy left.

I was meant to meet a new support worker today and I refused to take part and shut myself in my bedroom until everybody realised that I needed it to happen another day and finally left me alone. Normally I'd feel embarrassed and ashamed about that behaviour but today I just felt desperately overwhelmed and felt as though I did what I had to do to cope. I couldn't face new strangers in my flat today. I couldn't face anybody in my flat today.

On Friday, I had one of the most public meltdowns I have had for a long time. It left me embarrassed and exhausted. I think I am still recovering from it. Then over the weekend, people were knocking and banging on the door of my flat and playing loud music. Today, the music started before 6am. I have headphones but they don't always block it out. Also, with my headphones on I need to turn the TV up and I'm scared that then other people will complain about me. 

My period started last week, so I am feeling poorly anyway. I also went to a play about an autistic woman, which was great but energy zapping.

At the beginning of last week I got shouted at by another lady in the flat below who accused me of walking into her flat in the night and stealing. I would never even think about going into another person's house to do this so it upset me. She was also cross about people walking down the stairs because she can hear it. After this I had a short meltdown. I got told this might be her own mental health difficulties. It is the same lady who plays loud music under my bedroom. I am worried about leaving the flat without a good reason because she keeps coming out of her flat to check who it is. I hate shouting and conflict and I just want to be left alone.

I have been waiting since May for a letter from ESA for when I need to go to a face to face appointment and now it's nearly the end of September and the only time I hear from them is when they text me for a sick letter. My support worker called in August and was told they'd sent a form to my GP and it could take weeks to get a letter. It is making me anxious.

I was supposed to go to a family wedding yesterday but I texted last week to say I wouldn't be able to make it. My family don't understand me or autism so I am expecting a backlash for this. I need to plan the journey to my parents' this weekend and I am really scared/anxious. I also feel under pressure for birthdays/Christmas/family events.

I feel like i am being a terrible friend because i don't (can't) reply to text messages very well, if at all.

I am frustrated with myself because I had to leave my job and I am so desperate to have a career and be independent and have a steady life and be anonymous like other people but I don't know how to achieve it. I am intelligent, but I'm not sure where to put it to make good things happen.

Sorry about all of that. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and needed to try and process why. 

Parents

  • Hi, Duckeggblue (one of my favourite colours, by the way). I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

    I also had a public meltdown recently and felt so embarrassed at the time, but the likelihood is that you'll never see those people again. Try not to give yourself a hard time about it; these things happen and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

    The lady who lives near you sounds awful, but as you said, she may have mental health difficulties that cause these extreme reactions. Do you live with anyone else, or are you on your own?

    In terms of worrying about events, try and deal with one thing at a time. If you think of something you need to do for Christmas, perhaps you could write it down, but try to focus on the event that's happening next (the visit to your parents). It's challenging enough to get through each event, so trying to plan for everything at once will just add pressure and make it harder to think. 

    I understand the feelings of frustration, but please don't measure yourself against other people - even the ones who look like they have their lives together (great careers, steady life etc.) often have challenges that other people don't see. You're doing your best you can and that's all that matters. There's nothing wrong with taking time to rest when you're overwhelmed.

Reply

  • Hi, Duckeggblue (one of my favourite colours, by the way). I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

    I also had a public meltdown recently and felt so embarrassed at the time, but the likelihood is that you'll never see those people again. Try not to give yourself a hard time about it; these things happen and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

    The lady who lives near you sounds awful, but as you said, she may have mental health difficulties that cause these extreme reactions. Do you live with anyone else, or are you on your own?

    In terms of worrying about events, try and deal with one thing at a time. If you think of something you need to do for Christmas, perhaps you could write it down, but try to focus on the event that's happening next (the visit to your parents). It's challenging enough to get through each event, so trying to plan for everything at once will just add pressure and make it harder to think. 

    I understand the feelings of frustration, but please don't measure yourself against other people - even the ones who look like they have their lives together (great careers, steady life etc.) often have challenges that other people don't see. You're doing your best you can and that's all that matters. There's nothing wrong with taking time to rest when you're overwhelmed.

Children
  • in reply to DuckBread

    Hello DuckBread. That was a really great response- thank you. 

    It was in front of people I knew, so I am hoping they understand why and that I didn't mean too. Those sorts of meltdowns are just horrible.

    I live on my own (though I have support). It is my first experience of a self-contained flat and being responsible for my own front door and I'm still working it all out. When I first moved in, I let a police lady in who had come to see the lady below so I suspect there's some difficulties it's just unfortunate I'm not great with any conflict!

    I am going to ask my support worker on Wednesday to help me plan the train and journey at the weekend and write it down.

    I think possibly I get more stuck on these sorts of thoughts when I am stressed. Hopefully if I give myself time and space I will get more positive.

    Thank you again Slight smile