Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. This is my second post. I am in my late 40s and realised a few months ago that I am Autistic. I am not sure if I will seek a diagnosis as I’m not sure it will help in any way. Having realised, my first response was relief but I have also been dealing with a little grief when thinking about how I could have been kinder to myself through my life and perhaps sought help for areas in which I have difficulties. Occasionally I have even been having sudden moments of almost excitement in the realisation that I can be myself now. I haven’t felt myself in so very long. Just recently however I have found that I am not coping with things that I do struggle with as well as I usually do. Stuff like noise and people talking to me when I am needing time alone or people upsetting my plans ( even stupid domestic ones like what order to sweep and vacuum in - my poor husband). Has anyone else dealt with this on diagnosis/ realisation? Am I letting my guard down because I’ve realised what I have been doing and I’m sick of it? Am I just letting go because I need to? Or am I just being selfish. Am I over analysing? Thanks
Hi, you're by no means alone - everything you've said is something I (now diagnosed) and many, many other people here have been through and still going through to some extent.
So try to be kind to yourself - of course you're going to grieve for the you that you thought you were, whilst equally being excited at having met the real you.
You're not being selfish - you're dialling down the effort you've invested in masking, because you now see it clearly as something that is placing unfair and dangerous demands on your mental capacity.
Well done for realising!
Thankyou. I am being kind to myself today by visiting a psychologist for the first time in my life. I’m afraid I will waste the whole expensive session choked with tears! I think you are right about the masking. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know if it’s that I can’t or I don’t want to or I feel resentful that I have for so long. I feel I need to develop strategies to protect myself and I’m not sure where to start.
Exactly - this ("I need to develop strategies to protect myself") is how I respond when people tell me that I think too much / too deeply about it. It requires some thought about what is fixed vs flexible in your nature, and what is beneficial vs harmful in trying to change the flexible part. Add to this that our responses to things are non-linear, vary over time, and accumulate over time, and this is a very tricky world to navigate through!
I think the safest approach is to try to pay attention to what you really value, need and want, and not feel guilty about prioritising that over what others demand / need / think / tell you to do.
I appreciate your advice in thinking about what is fixed and what is flexible. I think that is where it is all shifting for me having realised I am autistic and I’m not sure how all the sands ( or mixed maetaphors) will fall. But I think focussing on there will be a good start.
Good advice