Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. This is my second post. I am in my late 40s and realised a few months ago that I am Autistic. I am not sure if I will seek a diagnosis as I’m not sure it will help in any way. Having realised, my first response was relief but I have also been dealing with a little grief when thinking about how I could have been kinder to myself through my life and perhaps sought help for areas in which I have difficulties. Occasionally I have even been having sudden moments of almost excitement in the realisation that I can be myself now. I haven’t felt myself in so very long. Just recently however I have found that I am not coping with things that I do struggle with as well as I usually do. Stuff like noise and people talking to me when I am needing time alone or people upsetting my plans ( even stupid domestic ones like what order to sweep and vacuum in - my poor husband). Has anyone else dealt with this on diagnosis/ realisation? Am I letting my guard down because I’ve realised what I have been doing and I’m sick of it? Am I just letting go because I need to? Or am I just being selfish. Am I over analysing? Thanks
The ‘penny drop moment’ when you realise that you are autistic is such a revelation and the mixture of relief mixed with regret is a very common reaction that many people including myself have had. I think the effort of trying to fit in with others but never quite managing it, is bound to catch up with us eventually. If you are sure then it might be worth pursuing diagnosis. I have found my diagnosis incredibly liberating, I don’t need to keep trying to fit it any more and even more importantly, I now know why I don’t fit in and it’s ok.
My personal term for that sudden awakening/realisation is 'satori', from the Japanese Zen Buddhist term which I'm told literally means something like 'kick in the eye'. (But I don't think of myself as a Buddhist.) The thing that appeals to me most about it is that the Zen masters often used a lot of humor to make their point to their novices. I like the idea that sudden (or even returning) insight can be accompanied with considerable humor. (But I'm not so keen on the master and novice idea.) So I often find my own issues quite entertaining. And it's good for me to be reminded of that, day-by-day.
I like this term! I think it’s a great idea to accompany revelations with humour, where possible!
Oh I love this. A kick in the eye is exactly what it is. I remember saying to my sister that I should have seen this one coming it was something that was in front of me the whole time but it had to kick me to be noticed.
Oooh, that is a lovely word. And it is definitely easier when we can treat our struggles erith humour, makes everything feel that bit less frustrating.