My husband is undiagnosed Aspergers. I believe he is also depressed although he won’t talk to anyone about it.
He was in a bad mood yesterday, the approach of winter is never good, & I could feel it brewing. He does have a temper but sometimes it escalates for days & everything is wrong. He blames everyone else for what is wrong, rants & I hate it. It always make me feel very low. I try not to get involved in arguments if I can & just pray for it to calm down.
He exploded at our daughter (11yrs) last night (not entirely without justification) & this morning it’s raining. We then discovered that he put his jacket in the wash bin without emptying his pockets & now his wallet is in the washing machine. That is enough to set him off ons downward spiral. I fully expect to get home & find him v drunk!
Does anyone else have a partner who exhibits similar behaviour?
Does he know he's aspie?
We tend to repeat behaviours because we think we're ok and doing fine and 'coping'. Have you said to him that his behaviour is just unacceptable?
As we get older, the coping mechanisms we created when we were young are not sophisticated enough to manage the changing world around us - we have difficulty accepting all the changes - and because 'we' haven't changed, it must be everyone else causing the problems. (we work on logic - but it can be flawed).
He might be approaching overload where the stress of trying to pretend to be normal is more than he can cope with - the stress of work, the stress of children etc. and the tiniest thing at home tips him over the edge.
What does he do to wind-down? Does he have hobbies to indulge in? Where is his mental escape (apart from inside a bottle)?
My daughter growing up was the trigger for my own diagnosis - I couldn't adapt fast enough as she grew up and was changing too rapidly for me to keep up. The diagnosis meant that I understood how I functioned and that I might get trapped in odd behaviours that seemed sensible at the time.
I have lots of hobbies that I can get lost in - and spending time doing something I can completely control removes the anxiety of the world that is out of control and causing me stress. It's why lots of us do solitary hobbies like video games, model trains, fishing etc. - it's all controllable.
I wondered why you started your post explaining your husband is undiagnosed Aspergers? I'm autistic, as is my brother, plus I've worked with many autistic HE students. Other than being able to control his tempter every now and again the issues you've explained, including suffering severe depression and has a drinking problem are general human issues rather than to do with having a specific neurotype. It comes across as though your husband has very poor coping skills and instead of challenging him his family are accepting of this behaviour, which has led to it escalating?
My father acted like this as he'd been abused by his NT dad and copied that behaviour with the way he treated his own children, as well as with how he managed his frustrations in general. My mother eventually left him and I no longer have anything to do with him. It might help to have an open and frank discussion about how his behaviour makes you all feel and why it needs to change. As well as being difficult for yourself I imagine this is a very unhealthy environment for your daughter to grow up in.
He believes that he has Aspergers but despite visiting the Dr on two occasions they have advised him that it’s not worth pushing for a diagnosis since at his age it won’t achieve anything & he doesn’t really need one. I disagree with this but don’t think I will be able to get him to go back again.
He had s v bad relationship with his parents & blames them for a lot of his issues but as usually happens he takes it out on those nearest to him.
He thinks he has a valid reason for his behaviour, usually that everyone else is being unreasonable rather than it being down to his Aspergers. This is exactly why I try to avoid confronting him when he is like this as you can’t reason with him & It usually just causes it to escalate.
We have a 10yr old son who is also on the spectrum and extremely bright. He was assessed at 7yrs & diagnosed with communication problems but were reluctant to give him a formal diagnosis. My husband believes that our daughter is also on the spectrum but I am more inclined to think that her behaviour is down to approaching puberty.
My my husband doesn’t work but is v focused on running etc. He competes in many high level sporting events. I do think due to the fact that he doesn’t have a job he is a bit detatched from the mundane aspects of everyday life & thinks that we are all just v boring.
Sounds like he's massively over-stressed and has lost faith in those around himself to support him - sort of a bunker mentality where he believes he's right and nobody is understanding or helping him - he sees their actions as annoying and unhelpful. He sees everyone as equal so kids get the same, inappropriate outbursts as adults - there's no filter or higher-judgement going on.
Not working or socialising means he's disappearing down his own rabbit hole where he decides what's right and wrong - and anything he doesn't want to face gets ignored.
You probably need to write him a detailed letter outlining all of the problems - make sure it's logical & factual with no 'feelings' in it and ask him to reply when he's had a good think about it - it will avoid him making rash/incorrect answers in the heat of the moment.
Let him know his behaviour is becoming more child-like and unhelpful and that you have as much right to have your needs met as he does - so he needs to get with the program and start communicating at an adult level - not like a naughty child.
If everything is so boring - what does he want to do about it - how can it all be made more interesting?