Living with ASD and parenting

I am a single mother of a 7 year old boy. I am fairly sure he is autistic and he was referred to CAMHS some months ago so I don't know how long it will be before we see an assessment. I have a diagnosis of ASD.

Today, he returned to school after the summer break. When he came home, he called my mother and I overheard him say that he didn't play with anyone at break time - he said this quite matter of factly and nonchalantly because he is not bothered about playing with other children. My heart, on the other hand, completely broke. I am not a great socialiser but I understand its value and I hate to think of him stood alone in the playground with no-one. 

I do try to get him to interact with his peers. He goes to swim club once a week but doesn't talk to anyone else there. The inclusion worker at the school has been supporting him to establish and maintain relationships, clearly to little effect (although she tells it differently, of course). If I suggest any other clubs, he gets very upset (and given where we live, there is very little choice of clubs and nothing that corresponds to his interests). He never asks to have people over and is not invited anywhere except birthday parties but there hasn't been any invitations in over a year.

He is obsessed with video games and I have even tried this to encourage interaction to no avail. For his age, he is reasonably well travelled and on the weekends we are always out seeing or doing something. Yet, I feel guilty. It was suggested when he was in primary one that his "autistic traits" were merely learned behaviour and this assignation of blame is difficult to forget.

I'd be interested to get advice from other parents with ASD.

Parents
  • Hi - I have Asperger's - I actually feel it's been a benefit for me as a parent because my consistency and reliability means that children find me easy to interface to.   Everything I do is logical and sensible so there's no ambiguity with me.

    Have you thought about getting your son into cubs?   Gentle, activity-based socialising that burns off lots of energy - double win!     You might want to volunteer as a parent-helper while he's there so he realises he's not on his own until he gets the hang of it.

  • Yeah, like I say he goes to swim club once a week. If I suggest anything over and above this he goes berserk and then I feel guilty for trying to force him. He has refused scouts, karate, football... Over the summer we went to a few exhibitions in local galleries and he participated in the activities but wouldn't even look at the other children. If another child tries to talk to him he turns away or looks to me to answer on his behalf.

    It's extra difficult because I have 3 jobs and I am studying a PhD which means that I spend all week at either work or university or studying. I forgo the small amount of spare time I have forcing myself to make the boy go out when I am supposed to be recuperating myself from social overload. As a result I have regular meltdowns trying to keep it all together. It's probably small wonder that I'm failing miserably at parenting.

    I am in genuine awe at every parent ever.

  • Former Member
    Former Member in reply to ncrbrts

    I'm an autistic woman who's currently 33wks pregnant. I've just started maternity leave form working 4 days a week as a teacher, I was juggling this alongside a ft PhD, which I'm continuing throughout my maternity leave and for the first few years of baby's life.

    I forgo the small amount of spare time I have forcing myself to make the boy go out when I am supposed to be recuperating myself from social overload

    I need a lot of a lone time too, this helps me recover from sensory overload and I also just really enjoy it. I'm really hoping my daughter is autistic and has a tendency to like a lot of alone time too as I find people who need constant attention overwhelming. Having a child who didn't want to attend lots of social clubs would also be incredibly helpful whilst I work on my thesis as it would give me more time to dedicate to it. Due to this, I think your incredibly lucky and are in a really privileged position, especially as it sounds like your son is very happy as he is. Have I got this wrong?

    It comes across as though you're struggling and instead of embracing your son's personality you have a desire for him to be more NT (maybe you've struggled due to your autistic traits and would like him to be more 'normal'?). As such you're causing needless additional stress and anxiety for you both whilst you try and live a life neither of you want? Would it not be better for you to accept your son for who is he, let him act this way whilst he's happy, then support him to change if his behaviour does start to cause him challenges and he wants to adapt?

  • they find my diagnosis difficult to accept because it came so late in life

    Snap. But what I've found can help is the following analogy: "No-one would say to a late-diagnosed coeliac 'Hey, I'm sure you'll be able to eat a bit of gluten again one day!' or 'Are you sure it's not all in your mind?'" or another one "Please understand that asking me to go to a party is like asking someone with a nut allergy to go to a wine and nuts party; I'm not being boring, it's actually dangerous for me to go!".

Reply
  • they find my diagnosis difficult to accept because it came so late in life

    Snap. But what I've found can help is the following analogy: "No-one would say to a late-diagnosed coeliac 'Hey, I'm sure you'll be able to eat a bit of gluten again one day!' or 'Are you sure it's not all in your mind?'" or another one "Please understand that asking me to go to a party is like asking someone with a nut allergy to go to a wine and nuts party; I'm not being boring, it's actually dangerous for me to go!".

Children
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