More Autistic After Diagnosis...

Not diagnosed but I noticed in my last workplace where bullying and stress was common place. I showed more traits

Hiya. 

I got a diagnosis last week and feel exactly the same. Yesterday was my first work day with the new diagnosis and I felt 10x more disabled than before despite nothing changing other than having the diagnosis and haven't felt able to face work today as it feels overwhelming all of a sudden.

I've just posted asking for advice on this topic before seeing your post. I have no answers for you sadly but completely relate to what you've put in your post! Hopefully others can offer some advice.

My stims include air drummer, air guitar when walking, finger tapping that I have now noticed

I am me, have not changed, and have been like this all my life.

Since a pointer was raised by a Mental Health First Aider then I started the journey to the point I have a diagnosis now.  This is now starting the journey from this point to fully understand more about these things I say/do.

Anyway, my analogy would be Monty Python’s “Life of Brian” as you have seen it at least once.  Each time I watch it I find something funny I missed the previous times - that is where I have looked back at my life and suddenly it is the eureka/lightbulb moment that I can now see that it was ASC signs that I have.

I never realised the smell and touch was a thing I have a strong sense of smell and hearing also I can smell and hear things further than any in my social circle. 

And I hate sticky things really dislike or scratchy things. 

I have alway thought my balance was good but I'm super super clumsy especially my hands have you ever seen those cartoons where the drop somthing and then catch that thing only to keep on dropping it, that's my level of clumsy. 

Wow you are lucky how did you find someone who works with autistic adults?

I could do with some guidance to be honest that is the only reason I'm on here just searching for similarities in the experiences and expressions of people on here and how they all cope because I'm not coping well at the moment. 

You have given us very interesting question, I have noticed that since my diagnosis I can clearly see what my autisic expressions are and have connected why I feel bad where as before I would just experience these thing and not know why I was feeling the way I was.

I don't know if I attribute things that are not my autism though which makes me feel bad. 

Some of these things I have attribute to my autism 

1. I don't like loud noise
2. Bright lights
3. People talking at me for a long time and more so when I have got there piont! 
4. People being to close to me
5. Things being late which make me late
6. People asking things from me without explaining how to do them
7. I can't keep eye contact (although I try very hard to) 
8. I don't like doors left open
9. I can't turn my mind off the only time my mind isn't going one thousand miles an hour is when I'm asleep and even then I'm not sure as I wake exhausted, I think it's my main stim constant analysis.      But I don't think I have noticeable stims because I have trained not to reveal anything like that. What stims do you guys have? 

I'm now aware that I am always rubbing my face, tapping my fingers,playing with my hair, bending my fingers, especially in stressful situations :)

Perfect. That's exactly how it is for me and what I'm saying/querying.

I've had them at work but not to the point where I'm openly crying in front of colleagues, and that's an example that emphasises the driver for the original post.

Yes, I've been more willing to 'do my own thing' in some areas since my diagnosis.

For me, I now realise more and spot the traits/behaviours more, until I have the full Diagnosis report:-

1. Sounds - Yep but did not realise it was my condition before.

2. Touch - never realised some of the things I experience are to do with my condition - did not even know I had a high pain threshold.  Same with proximity (see space and balance numbered bullets below) to things

3. Taste - It adds up with the thread on Peppermint/strong mint/mint toothpaste/mouthwash as well as certain food types.

4. Smell - What smell which I never realised?

5. Vision - Light and headaches which I did not associate with anything other than too much UV light so I wore sunglasses (not to mention modern ergonomically designed cars to protect pedestrians and those Zenon headlights)

6.  Space - I do not like certain proximity to some people, cliff edges, etc.

7.  Balance - hate Rollercoasters, rock climbing/abseiling, ladders, looking down from height in towers/buildings

I just took myself as I was but the jigsaw pieces start to interconnect now I realise I am different. 

I feel like this too; like I've somehow become "more autistic" since my diagnosis around 6 weeks ago. I think for me it is mostly because a) I've been working so hard to cover this stuff up and fit in with everyone else for so long that I'm now letting that cover slip a bit more among the people who know the diagnosis and b) I think the assessment process itself draws your attention to all the bits that you maybe thought were "normal" or didn't realise you do, so that sort of brings them all to the surface and makes you more aware of them as well. I definitely think that's true for the sensory stuff. I knew I had really acute hearing and that noise bothered me, but I hadn't realised how heightened my sense of touch is for example, so now I know that it's not normal to feel pain from certain things I'm noticing more that I do and questioning "why me?". So yeh, letting the cover slip and being more aware of the symptoms having been through the assessment process is what's caused it for me I think. 

I wouldn't say I'm more autistic but I am now painfully aware of my weaknesses, vulnerability and susceptibility to people with ulterior motives.   

I normally mask very well - most of the time - but when I'm unsure of the situation, instead of bluffing like I used to because of my ignorance about what is actually going on, I will tend to go mute or shy away.   This might make me appear much more odd or more autistic in those situations.

Well first, jealous of you having avoided meltdowns at work previously :)

But I've had a similar response. My husband even thought I was playing it up a bit at first.

I think for me it came from realizing that I was different, I'm not crazy, and finally starting to accept some things about myself instead of fighting/hiding them.

That said, I'm struggling to make relationships and work "wirk", but with my diagnosis and 11 months of waiting, I'm now seeing someone who works with autistic adults. 

Haha. Thank you.

Yep, started using a couple of 'fidget spinners' and other 'fidget toys' at home and at work.

I can 'feel the autism' in me in stressful situations situations.

I think it's the same as when you get a new car that you thought was unusual, then every other car on the road is that same as yours - hyper-awareness.

I think it's a phase as it seems to have calmed down (for me) though I'm still using the fidget toys as a) they do provide a release and b) they provide a visual cue to others that I may be getting stressed - I'm fortunate in that I've been able to be open about my diagnosis with my colleagues.

Absolutely. For me the absolute peak of it came as I became more and more certain of my autistic nature *before* official diagnosis, but it's still there in a slightly more subtle guise. It's like I'd discovered some old favourite clothes and spent a few months trying them on again, before putting them back in the wardrobe comfortable in the knowledge that they are there if I need them (not that I'm a big fan of fashion, but it's a good analogy so I couldn't resist it!).

Another feeling that's in the mix somewhere now is anger; like I want to say to the world "See! It *was* unreasonable of you to expect me to do that, so you can all f*** off! And when you've finished doing that, you can come back here and f*** off again!". /rant

NAS61891 said:

I don't know whether any of this is a self-fulfilling prophecy type thing, or whether it is just a greater self-awareness and me feeling more able to be myself

I am undergoing ASD diagnoses and have been trying to learn as much as I can trying to discover my true self. After what seems like a lifetime of feeling like an alien I think we can be forgiven for trying to relax and be ourself even if this means a little up and down emotions. Some days will be difficult but others maybe getting to know your real unique and precious self. You are not weird you are in a group on thousands if not M's who find ourselves sometimes later in life. As you look through user experience you will see some of us are in a worst state, some in a better but we have a understanding of each even if partially, unity in solidarity!!!

Yes or so I have been told :) I'm now a lot less diplomatic and emphatic, I guess the masking is falling away (except for people I know very well).