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Are my friends being mean? Am I over sensitive?

Tigerbalm

So I don't have many friends where I live, but I have my boyfriend (T) and one good female friend (L) who I spend a lot of time with. I often feel upset at what I feel are subtle digs at me. With my boyfriend I have occasionally tried to address this and tell him that I don't like it, it feels negative, I don't think it's funny, but he insists he's only being jokey and he's not done anything wrong. I have never tried to address it with L because I would get too upset and I can't do confrontation...

Anyway, here are some examples.

If I have to ask L to repeat herself because I couldn't hear something she said (because of other noises, her mumbling, her accent, whatever), she sometimes says "You should get your hearing checked." If I don't immediately see something she's trying to point out to me and I need more descriptions, she says I should probably wear glasses. If I feel cold and she doesn't she says I should get my thyroid checked. This is most often when we are in the car and she is anxious because she is a nervous driver. There are other things but these types of comments have been accumulating. I also feel while she's driving she makes me responsible for her state of mind and when I'm in the car with her I actually get anxious and scared to say/ask anything at all because anything could make her feel nervous and then she makes me responsible for saying that.

With T the comments could be anything at all. They are obviously not true but because it's an everyday occurence it really gets to me. He will for example say, to the dog, that I'm being mean. I'm not looking after her, I have done something to upset her (the dog), as in "She doesn't know how to look after you, does she. She doesn't care about your feelings." Or he might say I'm always lying about something, always telling little stories (in this playful silly voice). I don't lie. I actually can't think of more examples even though this happens everyday, but they're just silly random things and they're not true, he's always playful about it but they're always negative in some way.

These types of comments really get to me, if it was just the odd comment it would seem more like playful teasing but it's so frequent it's quite upsetting. I don't know how to react to them to make them stop. They are good people in other ways but sometimes it feels like borderline bullying. 

Parents

  • Hi there, I'm sorry to hear that you're getting upset by the things that your boyfriend and friend say to you.

    With your friend, she may be trying to joke with you BUT her responses appear to be invalidating how you feel and your experience. Comments such as these would aggravate me! If you ask her to repeat herself then it is because you didn't hear her the first time, for which there could be a variety of reasons and the appropriate response in my mind would be to repeat herself in a louder, clearer voice! If you don't see something then maybe she's not describing it well enough. If you're cold you're cold, regardless of whether she is or isn’t, different people feel different temperatures differently. What does she do to make you feel that she makes you responsible for her state of mind when she's driving?

    With your boyfriend, again he could be trying to joke BUT I don't really see the point. Why does he make jokes about something negative when it's not true?

    I think, if we give them both the benefit of the doubt and assume that neither of them knows that the way that they are behaving is making you feel bad. Then the only way that they will know is if you tell them. If after explaining to them what the effect of their words has on you and why it makes you feel like that. If they then continue to do it. Then you may have to assume that it is being done on purpose!

  • in reply to Kitsune
    Kitsune said:
    What does she do to make you feel that she makes you responsible for her state of mind when she's driving?

    Her moods can vary a lot but she can be very nervous driving. If she is in a nervous mood, anything can aggravate that. If I make a sudden noise next to her, I ask her a question, I point something out, literally anything. Then she tells me how that's made her even more nervous, that's not something she can deal with right now, that's the last thing she wants to hear while she's driving, she'll ask me to be quiet, to not ask any questions etc. And I am understanding because I'm also nervous driving, but I don't lash out. She often says things that sound like she just wants me to agree with her (and I won't if I disagree), but I can't actually disagree openly because then she gets upset and will either keep insisting on her view (and might then lash out) or get more insecure because if I disagree there must be something wrong with her perception. She basically just wants me to be a soothing voice next to her (and being soothing is something I simply cannot do, which she knows) so I try my best to be supportive with what I can do, which is to say positive things when she has done a difficult thing or, increasingly, just sit there quietly because I don't want to be told to be quiet because she can't focus (and then she rants about how she needs quiet). It's in situations like that when she will then say there's something wrong with my hearing etc. This got a bit convoluted, sorry. I want to be a supportive friend but it's really been draining me, and then there are these comments which feel like digs that make me feel worse.

  • in reply to Tigerbalm

    It does seem as though your friend is indeed a very anxious driver and prefers to drive in complete silence! Is it possible to avoid being a passenger in her car, as I can't imagine that her 'nerves' make it a very pleasant experience for either of you?

    You are entitled to your opinion. You shouldn't be made to feel that you have to agree with everything that someone else says just to make them feel better as then you wouldn't be being true to yourself or your friend! 

    Being honest and I'm sorry if I'm being far too honest here, your friend seems extremely high maintenance! It appears that she wants you to be quiet when she wants you to be quiet; to talk when she wants you to talk; to agree with everything that she says about anything and never express any opinions of your own especially if they happen to differ from her opinion. And after all that it is then also your fault if she feels anxious/insecure/other negative mental state. It just seems that whatever you do is wrong and even when you try to do what she wants, you're somehow still in the wrong anyway! I'm not surprised that it's draining you, friendships should be about give and take, it shouldn't be a case of you putting all the work in, your friend also needs to 'give' to the friendship.

    I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting things, I'm just interpreting things literally and speaking as I find.

    Do you get anything positive from this friendship?

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  • in reply to Tigerbalm

    It does seem as though your friend is indeed a very anxious driver and prefers to drive in complete silence! Is it possible to avoid being a passenger in her car, as I can't imagine that her 'nerves' make it a very pleasant experience for either of you?

    You are entitled to your opinion. You shouldn't be made to feel that you have to agree with everything that someone else says just to make them feel better as then you wouldn't be being true to yourself or your friend! 

    Being honest and I'm sorry if I'm being far too honest here, your friend seems extremely high maintenance! It appears that she wants you to be quiet when she wants you to be quiet; to talk when she wants you to talk; to agree with everything that she says about anything and never express any opinions of your own especially if they happen to differ from her opinion. And after all that it is then also your fault if she feels anxious/insecure/other negative mental state. It just seems that whatever you do is wrong and even when you try to do what she wants, you're somehow still in the wrong anyway! I'm not surprised that it's draining you, friendships should be about give and take, it shouldn't be a case of you putting all the work in, your friend also needs to 'give' to the friendship.

    I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting things, I'm just interpreting things literally and speaking as I find.

    Do you get anything positive from this friendship?

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