Published on 12, July, 2020
Well, I've spent two weeks really relieved and positive about my diagnosis, and some have talked about getting down about it. I did realise there was a nagging there that although I now have the answer to why I have issues, I am also condemned to a life with those issues. I think whilst I have been posting lots of positive vibes on these forums, I have probably been reassuring myself as much as others.
This weeks started off with some small positive based thoughts of "right, where do I start" and "I know what I need to do now, I just need to get on with life", and I think that is still there, but at the same time I feel pretty drained. Maybe it is just the come down from all the head mess from the diagnosis, or maybe it is the real acceptance of the diagnosis, but it has been a hard week.
I know I will get through it. I've been through a lot worse, and life is good, so I have no excuse. I will get on. I just thought I would share this in case others wonder about having similar down patches following diagnosis. I have been all positive and haven't mentioned anything negative, so maybe people would think was only experiencing positive emotions, and maybe if they had a bad patch that was abnormal. Well, here it is, I've had a bad week.
To be honest, and I very, very rarely open up about my inner emotions, I think I need a cry to let it out, not that this will ever happen...
I haven't had my assessment yet, but my hope is that diagnosis would give me a lot of answers. I think any change comes with a range of emotions (even if you feel good about it overall), plus the waiting game and diagnosis process are absolutely gruelling. Try not to be hard on yourself - don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. In terms of being condemned for life, you've opened yourself up to a lifetime of understanding yourself better and getting better access to support - hopefully you'll benefit from that once you've had time for the diagnosis to sink in. Take care of yourself.
Really wish I could say something helpful but I'm struggling to get beyond "this too shall pass" and "you're still the same person", "this is natural", "some of it may be anticlimax". You've spent a long time focusing on the eventual diagnosis, now that's in the past and there's a natural "what now?" your previous goal is no longer something to focus on. What comes to my mind is finishing a race, being all jubilant and celebrating your success, then you get home, put the kettle on, and then think - "well I'd better crack on with the hoovering! <sigh>".
When I first realised I was autistic 19 months ago, I had a full mixed bag of emotions including "I'm not the person I thought I was, and I'll never be the person I thought I might / could be". A bit like having a door that was previously only closed, locked and a no entry sign put up.
I can relate to the feeling of needing to cry - I get this a lot in autumn with no specific reason that I can find, and yet crying rarely happens, so the emotions stay stuck.