Sometimes I really don't want to be alive

I feel so exposed, and like my gender is being stolen. I just don't know what to do. I love my gender so dearly - I feel like it's the most precious thing that belongs to me - and why people want to take it from me I'll never know. I'm thinking I could have a baby to prove my femininity, I mean, it's not hard, physically, to conceive a baby, but I wouldn't be a good mother...I'm not ready to be a mother, emotionally or in any other way...I've no partner, no money, nothing, not to mention the fact that my family would be devastated if I had a baby. I've thought about having one, then proving to the world that I'd given birth and therefore am inarguably a woman, then having the baby adopted by people who would love it, but how could I ever give my child away? It would destroy me, not to mention that the child would have my genes and therefore could grow up as defective as I am (I had a lovely upbringing and feel a lot of my pain and failings are a result faulty genes) or it were ever to find out it was adopted, it could feel abandoned.

I feel like the sun is pressing into my skull, that I'm being watched. Everything hurts. And everyone thinks I'm all right.

This has pretty much been my story, for seven years, since I was diagnosed. I don't think I can go on like this. I really don't.