Published on 12, July, 2020
I realised the other day that I mask when I'm on my own, or try to - I try and imagine someone's watching my behaviour. I've done this since I was a kid. Maybe I've been trying to act 'normal' to try and make myself feel normal? It's basically thinking I'm 'wrong' the way I am. No wonder I'm stressed half the time! I've been trying to consciously let myself be me, flaws, weird behaviour and all, but it's hard to undo a lifetime of conditioning, especially as I only realised I was very likely ASD a couple of years ago, so am still coming to terms with what this means. I've only recently realised that what I do (with others and on my own) is masking. Does anyone else do this?
I’ve done this too. I still do it. I’m 21. It can be difficult and causes me to feel low in mood when I think about who I really am. If she’s still in there. She is though. That’s what I’m learning, to accept the balance. That we have facets to our personalities. The masking is me to an extent, and the masking makes me a good actress which is an asset. It is a tool but you’re right, give yourself some time to just be without the imaginary eyes on you. How I did this was I thought back to my child self and what she’d have done before she had to start masking. Try not to judge yourself and spend a day like that.
I don't do it all the time, just when I'm annoyed with myself for not doing something, or doing something wrong, or being clumsy, or stimming, but I do do it a lot, every day. I think it'll take a while to stop thinking I'm 'wrong' and start accepting myself. The masking when I'm on my own can sometimes be a positive thing though, as it can get me out of a rut or a destructive loop - sometimes it's the only way I can get myself out of it, by acting like a person who can cope it can sometimes take the overthinking out of things, so I just get on with things. I have a kind of 'fresh start', where I tap my finger or something, and from that moment on I act like a capable, competent person. But then as soon as I mess it up I get annoyed with myself! I don't necessarily think masking is trying to be someone else, it can be about trying to be the 'best' version of yourself, if that makes sense? I think who you/we really are is a mixture of our more 'normal' side and the autistic 'weird side. Which is basically what you said