Procrastinating

You need to step back from the fake life you're trying to lead.

Fun - figure out what that means to you - we have tons of Lego, we do Disney holidays - we accept we can't be 'grown ups' - so we enjoy the things that please *us*.   

Friends - NTs love having lots of false friends - we tend to only need a small number but they have to be on our wavelength.   Find out what it is that makes you interesting and find true friends that fit with you.   True friends will totally 'get you' and will be totally accepting of who your are -warts & all.

Pinning all your hopes on a bunch of NTs to make your channel successful may be futile - they are fickle so what's cool today is obsolete & forgotten tomorrow.

Life - figure out what's truly important to you - money, house, possessions, holidays - do you enjoy what you have or can you live without all the hassle?   

I drive a 17-year old car - it does what I need so why do I need to get saddled with a loan to impress strangers?

I build model boats - it pleases me.   I don't care what others think.

the world is a big place - and if you look at all the alternatives, there's bound to be something that is more 'you'.

What is your wife's opinion of everything?   Is she happy?   She loves/d you so how would she prefer your life together?

Are you able to get enthusiastic about planning an alternative life plan?

We're at risk of just talking about twitch here - believe me, I could go on for days!! I especially relate to what you say about your stats and success, I was exactly the same. 

How are you feeling reading all the responses so far? Do you feel more motivated? Any ideas on what next? I've found this community really supportive, there's a lot of essential advice that comes from real life experience here.

Oh I know the 'NT' life ain't for me but I have no idea what to do instead, also wife is not interested in travelling now she's too invested in the 'NT' life.
Also marketable skill, I have none that I'm aware of, School was an issue so I didn't go, I went undiagnosed so had no help and as a result have poor education and not really any opportunity to find my skills.
I'd ditch modern life in a heart beat, god I'd ditch this 'NT' world if I could. 

I need to stop focusing on numbers and measuring my success by them and to focus more on having fun rather than who is or isn't watching, I also really need to learn how to cope with my anxieties and not let them control me. The paranoia of thinking that no one likes me or that I've said something that's offended people or just friendship in general is hard work for me as I don't fully understand how to attain it or keep it. Then there's the masking as well, been doing it all my life and now I know that I don't have too I cant help but carry on so when ever I was streaming I was still subconsciously behaving how I thought people would want me to rather than being free and allow myself to be me. 
Then there's the issues with not being able to stick to a routine which is a big necessity if you want your channel to grow, which leads to the other issue of not enjoying unless I'm growing because in my mind that's failing. 
So you've really hit the nail on the head with your reply there.

So surely step 1 is admitting that 'NT' life is not for you. 

If you cannot possibly win in the rat race, there are only 2 outcomes - try and fail or do something different - play a different game.

There are plenty of people who sell-up and travel the world in a camper van.   There are people who go and live in the woods.     There are people who go and become surf instructors.    There are people who go and do all sorts of 'non-standard' lifestyles that fit more comfortably with themselves.

If you have a load of marketable skills, you don't need to live the lifestyle that your parents did.

Your biggest problem will be having the bravery to ditch modern life.

In my case, we live in a high-cost area.   Daughter is at uni.   When daughter finishes uni there's nothing holding us here so we intend to downsize, relocate to the countryside and live a much lower stress lifestyle.  Don't want to set the world on fire - just want to avoid the stress of the world.

I love this reply, I have no idea what I really want to do, I think twitch is maybe one thing but I'm unable to succeed due to issues that present them selves because of my Asperger's.
 Wish 1, I wish I wasn't me
Wish 2, Wish I was a success on twitch, as to be able to financially live off it (love gaming)
Wish 3, Go travelling with the wife and see the world 
They are all unrealistic and unattainable in this world we live in, I am unable to do the norms of NT sociaty, Holding down a 9-5 or just a job in general, Socialising is a massive no no due to anxieties and i cant even keep on top of looking after myself so i have no idea how im supposed to live in this world as me.

If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you be doing instead?

What are you not admitting to yourself?  

The grinding to a halt is normally a symptom of being in the wrong life - so it's difficult to see a way forward when every path in front of you is something you don't want to be doing.

You're only a failure in your own eyes. Some of the biggest lessons in life come from failing so it's not all bad! Look at what you achieved, starting a twitch channel and gaining 200 new followers is no easy feat - that's an achievement! You got regular viewers - these people came back to watch your content - they enjoyed what you were doing. You were probably a victim of your own desire to put every effort into making it succeed as in it became your obsession and what once was done for a bit of fun and was enjoyable turned into a 'job'. 

What can you learn from your experience? Ready for when you start again if that is your plan. (I'd recommend a new username so you can't associate yourself with your previous account). If you get this right it's valuable down time to yourself and ticks the obsession box too - all good recovery stuff. This seems to me like your main passion, so get this right, the rest may fall into place.

When you figure that out though please let me know!! I've swung too far in the other direction and avoided playing my games which meant I forfeited my essential down time. 

That's a good tip that I will definitely try to implement, thank you. It will be hard as being Asperger's I'm very negative and it's very hard for me to focus on positives.
Yea i'd grown my twitch channel quite a bit, had 200 follows and some regular viewers, issue was I hardly ever streamed and I was noticing my channel was dying towards the end, getting next to none viewers which was soul destroying. Then my social issues I deal with in the real world started to seep into twitch causing huge amounts of paranoia and anxiety so had to make the hard decision to stop as I was self destructing my own success. I wanted to prove to myself and others that even though I have autism I can make twitch work, well I failed.
Hopefully if I ever get on top of some of my issues I will take it back up again. I only quit last week and even though I feel a sense of relief and less anxious I still miss it and want to succeed at it, but was making me unwell so I got to do what I got to do.

I'm very familiar with twitch, had my own channel, grew a following, purchased better hardware/software, over-committed and like yourself felt pressured out of something I used to enjoy. It got to a point where I wasn't playing the games I liked just to stick to a schedule for a minimal audience that probably didn't even care! So I hear you on that one.

For me list writing isn't about me making a commitment as such, it's so I have something to tick off as a reward for completing a task.

I think I understand how you are feeling on a certain level. When I can't do a task at work I've been putting off I get physically repulsed by the idea of starting it. Even if I'm perfectly capable of doing it, as I'm sure you are with your tasks. But it's that feeling of dread, of not knowing where to even begin to start it that puts me off and sets the cycle of procrastinating again. I have specific days where I do all the tasks I've been putting off - this allows me to justify my procrastination only as long as I promise to do them on the 'procrastinated task day'! If I know in my head I'm going to be doing something I don't want to do I can more easily adapt to it, rather than putting something off because I don't want to do it at the present time in that state of mind. I know I'm going to be uncomfortable doing those tasks but because I have that knowledge when I do feel uncomfortable it's not a surprise and actually it's never as bad as I imagine! It makes me feel good about myself afterwards so maybe I get home and order pizza with a few beers! 

Here's a positivity tip: When you wake up try and make the first thing you think about your previous days achievements - no matter how small and build from there. It actually works. I used to wake up dreading what the day had in store and sluggishly dragged myself out of bed, desperately wanting to just stay there. I do associate depressive thoughts with being tired and slow and happy thoughts with energy and bouncing around with speed. So even if my previous day's achievements were crap, I've tricked my mind into a bit of happiness.

I did some reading last night and have found a few thing that I think I suffer with that may be causing me to procrastinate. Avoidance and depression http://www.aspiestrategy.com/2013/04/adult-autism-avoidance-and-depression.html?m=1

Autistic inertia http://unstrangemind.com/autistic-inertia-an-overview/

and apathy, I’m also aware think back over my life that the perfectionism and procrastination have always been an issue but also a safety mechanism, I think I rely on it to avoid situations that cause stress and discomfort. I’m also not sure if I hate being this way because it not socially accepted rather than I don’t like being this way, I actually feel at peace the majority of time whilst I’m doing it, I’m just aware how hard it is for my wife as she’s NT and wants to do couples things. 

I think I should also I’m still dealing with the diagnosis of which I only got last September, don’t think I’ve got used to it yet. 

I’m sorry, I’m reading the replies as I write them and it sounds like I’m making excuse. Whenever I set a task I can’t stick to it, I feel overwhelming pressure and *** out. I’m not sure if you know what it is as many don’t but I was up until recently a streamer on twitch but I’ve had to quit for many reasons, one being I couldn’t commit. I’d set a schedule but It’d then feel like work and I get the feel like I have to do it rather than want to, this would cause pressure and anxiety and I’d end up making an excuse not to stream. 

Yes, I’m normally on my pc playing games or watching twitch, that’s it, day in, day out. Or if I’m spending day with wife we watch tv/films even though she nags me to go out and I just don’t. 

I love the idea and I actually already do this, I make promises but when it comes to the day of doing it I don’t, I can’t make myself follow through. 

Do you try to-do lists? They give a sense of achievement: after every task, no matter how small, cross it off the list with heavy backwards and forwards motions. I suffer from procrastination at work and on my bad days I break my list down in to micro-chunks. For example on an average day I could write 'calculate the cost of x' but on a bad day I would write the steps underneath the main task:

• Download data from y
• Breakdown what I need
• Perform calculations
• Email findings to person z

So for one task I get to cross of 4 additional things.

Also consider the Eisenhower urgent/important scaling system:

1. Important and urgent
2. Important not urgent
3. Not important but urgent
4. Not important and not urgent

Try writing a list of everything that's bothering you (include writing the list as a task!) and scale it 1-4. Have a look at how you rate things and what can be ignored - i.e. what's safe to procrastinate.

Once you have a list break it down into what's manageable for that day - never write a to-do list that's impossible to achieve because that will make you feel like a failure. On good days stretch yourself and on bad days give yourself a more modest list.

I do this everyday.

What are you doing while you are doing all this procrastinating?   Playing video games?  Watching tv?   You're not doing nothing - you're just filling your time with the wrong things.    You feel you should be doing things where you are judged as 'normal' by everyone around you.

What do you REALLY want to do that wouldn't be accepted by everyone else?

Could you try to find if there are some external factors that might help? Like a promise with a friend/spouse/family member to go out with them - since it's a promise there will be lots of motivation to keep the promise. Or maybe you could give yourself a reward for going out - like going out to get your favourite food, but you need to walk to the place. Or maybe something like announce you'll post a success story of doing 30 min exercise on this forum next week, which could be another possible way to motive yourself.