Who am I?

Hello everyone, if you have time, I'd like your opinions, your own experiences/expertise on my situation:

Due to pretty long waits (one Autism Specialty Hospital has a waiting list of 28 months, the other 6-8 months) I have not yet been diagnosed. However, the last months I have spent in a rehabilitation clinic and a mental hospital (for my chronic depression, panic/ anxiety attacks, and social anxiety), where I was told I could either be on the autism spectrum or have a schizoid personality disorder. 

Since I was a child, I disliked playing with other children, especially if that meant I had to leave the house. Kindergarten was a complete nightmare for me and I tried feigning any illness to get them to send me back home. Primary school was the same, but here I started to notice that it wasn't acceptable to stay the way I was before. I never (and still don't) understand social interactions, what makes one person inherently more likable or popular than the other, but I did learn to copy others. I still didn't feel like I belonged, like there was something off about me, but I at least (barely) fit in with the rest of the kids. I am 26 now and I've made myself learn a lot about social cues and behaviours over the last twenty years. And yet I've noticed that there are many situations where I just don't know what to do, what is expected of me. 1 1/2 years ago I got a real full-time job as a Junior Marketing Manager - and it was hell on earth. It was loud (even in an office with just wo other people), it was chaotic, unstructured, there were too many people, and no space for me to retreat and collect myself.

I don't like loud noises, I have immense difficulties with more than one person speaking and I get annoyed and frustrated when someone talks to me when I'm in the middle of doing something. I hate when people encroach into my personal space or touch me (without asking/warning me beforehand). There are times, when I don't even like my family touching me. 

If there are changes in my daily life, I need to know them beforehand or I get uncomfortable and panicky. Just simple things like changing the supermarket my mother and I intended to go to shop or a sudden invitation to go to a restaurant at the same day can upset me. 

Sorry if this is all jumbled up and maybe even incomprehensible to you. These are just some things off the top of my head and I know there is a lot more to it, but going on with living without knowing why 'normal' life is so difficult for me is upsetting me so much.

Thank you for your time.

  • This sounds coherent and familiar to me - obvs I'm not a clinician but it sounds like autism to me. It's only a part of who you are though. Depression is totally treatable and you can learn to manage anxiety - it really sucks that there's such a long waiting list but you can tackle the depression separately whilst you wait. Hold onto the idea that it's perfectly possible to be a mentally healthy person with autism - just takes some work and some appropriate support.