Skip to main content
Close Button
Donate
  • Replies 22 replies
  • Subscribers 103 subscribers
  • Views 6345 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

My partner has autism and we are struggling

Carly
over 4 years ago

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years, we are engaged and in December she was diagnosed with autism, high-functioning.  She was 28 at time of diagnosis which hasn’t helped. 

I am a ‘neurotypical’ and I am trying to understand why she does certain things and sometimes I know I don’t react in the best way I possibly could, which is why I am turning to this site, in hope that there may be other partners out there that have coping strategies or can just help me to be better for her because currently it is quite lonely and sad and I feel like I’m suffocating a bit. It’s a heavy weight. 

I am reading ‘An Adult with an Autism Diagnosis’ by Gillian Drew in an attempt to be more understanding. 

I work away quite a bit as a Tour Manager, for musicians, which can make coping more difficult. For both of us. In August, I will be travelling around America for almost 7 weeks. Currently, I have been in Scotland for just ONE week and we have had an ‘autistic incident’. I don’t know how to refer to it, so apologies if I offend anyone. 

Emotions when touring are tenfold. 

Also, sometimes, when I return from a tour; it feels like I’m out of her routine a bit and she needs to readjust to my being there, which can be upsetting. 

If there are any books to be recommended, or other sites, I’d be truly grateful. 

Thank you in advance. 

Carly. 

Parents Reply Children
  • over 4 years ago in reply to Deleted user

    Thank you!

    I've had a lot of help from people on this and other sites and I'm just trying to 'pay it back' if I can.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to Original Prankster
    Original Prankster said:
    Similarly, I like to wag my tail (stimming) - you think it's weird, but it makes me feel good and doesn't do any harm, so let it go.

    I love your posts OP. You're amazing.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to Carly

    So, I'm in a similar situation with my wife (she's NT)... she gets upset by things I say / how I act sometimes and feels she has to 'hide her feelings'.

    We're still working it out but I think there are 2 key steps:

    1. She needs to realise I don't say/do things to upset her on purpose and linked to that, if I need something done a certain way it's need not want - which is quite different
    2. She needs to understand that I simply don't think like she does and needs to modify her approach to communication to avoid misunderstandings e.g. If we're out and she doesn't want to drive home because she's tired and it's getting dark (she doesn't like driving in the dark) saying "Would you like to drive home?" will get an honest answer, which may be "Not really"... because what she meant was "Will you drive home please, it's getting dark and I'm tired" to which the answer would be "Of course". It's subtle, but check out this thread: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/miscellaneous-and-chat/15774/the-problem-with-direct-communication - people with ASD are 'words based' communicators and as this is only 10% of what constitutes a message for an NT, you need to take a 'words first' communication approach.

    I know what you're thinking... "What are YOU doing to make things better? It seems a bit one-sided..."

    Well, the answer is, I got diagnosed, I'm trying to understand better what my 'trigger' areas are but honestly? I'm a dog that's been trying to be a cat its whole life and now we know I'm a dog it's time the cats in my life tried to be a bit more dog-like - or at least understood that barking (autistic shutdown/meltdown) is in my nature and it just means I'm excited or nervous or confused, it doesn't mean I'm going to bite you... Similarly, I like to wag my tail (stimming) - you think it's weird, but it makes me feel good and doesn't do any harm, so let it go.

    I keep getting told by 'friends' that I "Need to meet her half way..." - that would be such a relief, as it would mean I could 'back up' from the meeting at 90% position I'm in now... but that's not what they mean, they mean 'stretch another 5%' to meet halfway across the current gap... and that just isn't viable.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to NAS39248

    That was really great, thank you! It’s nice to know I’m not alone and I think that was where I was starting to struggle most. Feeling like no one understands me, and also not trying to make this about myself. 

    Luckily; we have pretty good communication, which we have been working on more since diagnosis. But at the end of the day, I’m a human, a sensitive one at that, so I cannot always hide my feelings when something she has done affects me. 

    Really appreciate your replies.