Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I'm new to this page. I'm self diagnosed ASD and going through the process of getting a diagnosis - I'm 47 and only realised I may have ASD a couple of years ago. I'm currently doing a college course for two days a week, after being out of work for a few years. I apologise for probably too much detail in this post but I have problems condensing what I want to say.
I'm really struggling today, after what most people would see as a minor thing yesterday. The tutor paired us with random people to research something - the woman I was put with I hadn't spoken to much before. Everyone else paired up, so I went across the room to her, she sat writing and didn't look up, so I asked her 2 or 3 times if she wanted to work together (I think that was the point of the pairing!). She carried on writing, and eventually said 'if you want to' without looking up. So I immediately felt uncomfortable and stressed, so said I'd go and research online and we'd compare notes after, to which she unenthusiastically said ok. I had problems getting online, plus the computer room was really noisy, so I couldn't concentrate, so had hardly got any info. I tried to explain this to her, but I felt like she was irritated by my very presence and just carried on writing (she was basically copying from her friend's info who was sitting next to her). We were due to present the info to the class, which always stresses me anyway, so I was feeling stressed and near to tears. Basically, I felt a bit useless, the info I did get she just ignored and we used hers, which I had to quickly copy. I tried to tell her I couldn't get online and am not good with being put on the spot to find information to present in a rush. She said 'don't worry, I'll help you', but it felt patronising, and I also felt patronised by her friend, who half overheard something I said, and took it upon herself to explain the whole point of the module to me, like I was an idiot. I took myself out to the toilets for 5 minutes to try and get myself together, where I was in tears.
I really wanted to leave early, but felt unable to, although I did eventually excuse myself ten minutes before the end of the lesson, as I desperately needed to get out of there. I know this sounds like a small thing, but things like this really affect me - today I feel tearful and frustrated that I came across as stupid, or not contributing, and patronised and ignored, and that I didn't say anything to her when she first ignored me - as I don't process things like that until much later on. I suppose I'm asking if other people feel like this, and how they deal with it. I don't want to leave situations every time I feel uncomfortable, but in my experience if I don't at least get a break, then it builds up and gets worse. (I mentioned to a couple of friends in the class that I was 'a bit autistic' but I don't think anyone else knows, or the tutor, although I did mention it on my college application form)
Have you though about talking to student services? It might be worth getting extra support. The college I went to have extra support in the form of guidance advisors and specialist mentors. Might be worth asking about. They are usually really good.
That type of extra support only applies to 16-18 year olds, there's no such provision for adults in the college, unfortunately. I did put on my application form that I was waiting for an ASD diagnosis, but no one ever spoke to me about it. I suppose I could have told my tutors, and asked for certain things to be taken into consideration, such as group work, needing a short break in between stressful tasks etc. In the end I suppose I'm still aware of the lack of understanding and stigma attached to ASD, and wanted to prove to myself I could 'cope', and not draw attention to myself. Also, I haven't yet had a formal diagnosis. I can also have days when I cope fine with things, so I think that makes me think that if I can cope OK some days, I 'should' be able to cope all the time! Also, the course finishes in a few weeks.
Although it's been a couple of years since I realised I likely have ASD, I'm still coming to terms with the reality of this, and only now realising I'm 'allowed' to not push myself too far to do things that I find really distressing - I still have that kind of way of thinking that if I just keep trying I'll get there in the end, if you see what I mean. That's not to say I've given up on everything and want to take the totally easy route, but to recognise when I reach a certain point of discomfort and acknowledge it. My post was a very convoluted way of asking people at what point they stop pushing themselves to cope with an uncomfortable/potentially distressing situation/meltdown, and at what point they acknowledge that they have to take themselves away from the situation.
Thank you, I'll need it :)
You need to find the balance where you can push yourself when you really have to - but understanding the great toll it takes from your body. You are capable of doing anything you put your mind to - as long as you create the space around the heroic efforts to sleep and rest and chill out. You won't be able to keep up a massive effort for long without taking the time to recharge.
Luckily, you've got the long summer holidays to re-stabilise and prepare yourself for your next challenge.
Good luck with the exams.