Struggles with group work in college

Hi all, I'm new to this page. I'm self diagnosed ASD and going through the process of getting a diagnosis - I'm 47 and only realised I may have ASD a couple of years ago. I'm currently doing a college course for two days a week, after being out of work for a few years. I apologise for probably too much detail in this post but I have problems condensing what I want to say.

I'm really struggling today, after what most people would see as a minor thing yesterday. The tutor paired us with random people to research something - the woman I was put with I hadn't spoken to much before. Everyone else paired up, so I went across the room to her, she sat writing and didn't look up, so I asked her 2 or 3 times if she wanted to work together (I think that was the point of the pairing!). She carried on writing, and eventually said 'if you want to' without looking up. So I immediately felt uncomfortable and stressed, so said I'd go and research online and we'd compare notes after, to which she unenthusiastically said ok. I had problems getting online, plus the computer room was really noisy, so I couldn't concentrate, so had hardly got any info. I tried to explain this to her, but I felt like she was irritated by my very presence and just carried on writing (she was basically copying from her friend's info who was sitting next to her). We were due to present the info to the class, which always stresses me anyway, so I was feeling stressed and near to tears. Basically, I felt a bit useless, the info I did get she just ignored and we used hers, which I had to quickly copy. I tried to tell her I couldn't get online and am not good with being put on the spot to find information to present in a rush. She said 'don't worry, I'll help you', but it felt patronising, and I also felt patronised by her friend, who half overheard something I said, and took it upon herself to explain the whole point of the module to me, like I was an idiot. I took myself out to the toilets for 5 minutes to try and get myself together, where I was in tears.

I really wanted to leave early, but felt unable to, although I did eventually excuse myself ten minutes before the end of the lesson, as I desperately needed to get out of there. I know this sounds like a small thing, but things like this really affect me - today I feel tearful and frustrated that I came across as stupid, or not contributing, and patronised and ignored, and that I didn't say anything to her when she first ignored me - as I don't process things like that until much later on. I suppose I'm asking if other people feel like this, and how they deal with it. I don't want to leave situations every time I feel uncomfortable, but in my experience if I don't at least get a break, then it builds up and gets worse. (I mentioned to a couple of friends in the class that I was 'a bit autistic' but I don't think anyone else knows, or the tutor, although I did mention it on my college application form)

Parents
  • Poppy, your post is not petty at all and there is nothing to cringe about. This is autistic life. Things that appear to be minor for NT have huge effect and can take you out of functioning effectively for a long time, and this can build up overtime into a crisis. So it's good that you share and process this.

    The team tasks like this are always triggering for autistic people. Because they are unstructured. The truth is they are hard for everybody. Just think of the Apprentice...  people with experience and skills become a pathetic bunch of clueless.

    The girl you described probably was feeling awkward and uncomfortable and her behaviour shows her own problems. It is certainly not your fault and not a response to you, she did not behave like this because it was YOU. She behaved this way because of herself. Who knows, maybe she is on the spectrum and struggles with interaction and group work. She shown herself that.

    Just try to calm and regain your balance. Choose the action that enables you to stay productive and to learn. Apart from scheduled lectures, seminars and labs, when I was revising, preparing exams or assignments, I only went to college for specific purpose. A question, a team task. Otherwise I nurtured my zen state in my room.

  • Thanks for your reply. It's so nice to have people that really understand, rather than be told to 'just don't worry about it' or 'just chill out/don't be stressed' (even if the advice was well-meaning). If only it was that easy! 

    My problem is that if someone is off with me I immediately worry if it's something I've done/said, which could be something I'm totally unaware of doing. 

    I think having had a stressful week and exams looming isn't helping, I'm generally feeling drained and tearful, and putting off my revision as a result. I'm going to take your advice and try and nurture my zen state Slight smile

Reply
  • Thanks for your reply. It's so nice to have people that really understand, rather than be told to 'just don't worry about it' or 'just chill out/don't be stressed' (even if the advice was well-meaning). If only it was that easy! 

    My problem is that if someone is off with me I immediately worry if it's something I've done/said, which could be something I'm totally unaware of doing. 

    I think having had a stressful week and exams looming isn't helping, I'm generally feeling drained and tearful, and putting off my revision as a result. I'm going to take your advice and try and nurture my zen state Slight smile

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