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Onset of Loneliness since diagnosis.

Blackbird

Anybody else start to feel lonely for first time after diagnosis? Before my DX for autism and ADD I was OK with being alone, there are lot's of reasons why this is preferable but a major one is low self-esteem on account of a lifetime of screw-ups-and my inability to learn much from them. I am not absolving myself of guilt but now believe that given the state of my brain particularly the way it scrambles what I hear from people and what I understand about what is going on around me, it is not any kind of surprise at all that I should have amounted to so little.

All that being said, I am still just as screwed up and just as much hard work for others as before but as my new-found knowledge sinks in slowly,I feel less like a total waste of space and should really try to go out into the world a bit more and meet people-the trouble is that I have lived this way for so long I would not know where to start. Whenever I do try to chat to strangers, I only ever seem to get monosyllabic responses-if at all, it's almost as if I have the mark of Cain upon me ( I did write "Kane" originally-I've been having a lot of heretical and treasonous thoughts about Harry Kane  and his future at Spurs recently!)  The tension l experience with proximity to others probably shows itself in some way and I imagine they think I may be a psychopath struggling to control his killing urges. I have no small talk and I don't like looking people in the eye-or rather them looking me in the eye.

With all of that-plus a whole lot more I haven't even touched upon here I think you could forgive me for not holding out much hope of progress and I now feel officially "Lonely" for the first time ever and it sucks because there is nothing I can think of to break out of this hole. Despite knowing that I would still like to connect with people, hopefully some of those who know about the conditions and can be tolerant and understanding. Taking everything into account, I'd have to truly BE from another planet instead of just thinking that I do to seriously expect that anything like that could possibly happen.

Parents

  • Be thankful you have a diagnosis, but having a diagnosis shouldn't change anything about you or who you are, it's more for the rest of the world to deal with.

    I've got a 'sort of maybe' half of a diagnosis from the NHS (Am I prepared to spend £££s to justify myself for the rest of the world? nope).

    It doesn't change that I accept that I prefer to be alone, and would rather pick and choose to spend time with other people on terms that allow me to be comfortable in 'social' situations.

    Be content in your own space, it's your life, your rules.

    Most 'normal' people just don't understand - but some do. I've got a small (can count on one hand) circle of people, who don't flake on me (I have a 3 flakes and your out rule), who respond positively to me reaching out for a coffee or a bite to eat.


  • in reply to Chewie
    Chewie said:
    It doesn't change that I accept that I prefer to be alone, and would rather pick and choose to spend time with other people on terms that allow me to be comfortable in 'social' situations.

    Well said Chewie (and good to see you post!).  There is a very clear distinction of isolation by choice and a sense of enforced isolation due to others being less understanding or accommodating. 

  • in reply to .

    hello! Thx for remembering me!

    been busy working and trying to get my mind back into some kind of ‘order’ with some self CBT.

    Everyone has their own solution to their own unique problems. Kinda feel like I need to get myself into obsessive mode in order to do things. To function I have rules in my mind. Taken me a long time to convince myself that those rules are for my own mental wellbeing and that I shouldn’t break them to conform to other people’s levels of acceptance?

    Cut out the toxic people who pretend they care because they have to keep up that image, they are the worst, always invite you out, yet largely ignore you when you are.

Reply
  • in reply to .

    hello! Thx for remembering me!

    been busy working and trying to get my mind back into some kind of ‘order’ with some self CBT.

    Everyone has their own solution to their own unique problems. Kinda feel like I need to get myself into obsessive mode in order to do things. To function I have rules in my mind. Taken me a long time to convince myself that those rules are for my own mental wellbeing and that I shouldn’t break them to conform to other people’s levels of acceptance?

    Cut out the toxic people who pretend they care because they have to keep up that image, they are the worst, always invite you out, yet largely ignore you when you are.

Children
  • in reply to .

    im slowly getting there... need to buy shelves (this weekend), then get plumber round to finish off some odds and sods and have him help put up said shelves.

    once thats done, my OTT sneaker collection can go on shelves, of which pairs that don't make the cut will be ebay'd... along with a few boxes of DVDs which i need to get rid of to charity shop once ive sorted thru....

    AT least in my mind it's a fluid operation. In reality, first 'choice' i have to make puts up a roadblock, and i end up doing other stuff... like sort of cleaning kitchen...

  • in reply to Chewie

    Go on Chewie....you can DO IT!!

    Did you never listen to Yoda's advice? - “Do or do not. There is no try.” :)

  • in reply to .

    tell me about it.

    I need to finish my flat off... but can't because I need to do X, but cant do X until Y has been done and so on...

    It's not even big jobs either, just loads of little ones... I had more motivation when I had no bathroom or kitchen. I guess the survival instinct kicks in, and I go manic, and once the goal has been achieved, slack mode kicks in.

  • in reply to Chewie

    Totally agree.

    I have been actively trying to promote my own "self care" and mindful that I sometimes work too hard (maybe an inherent sense of self worth, imposter syndrome or some form of overcompensation going on there!).

    Mixing with kinder folk is definitely been for me a good way forward. 

    I totally also get the "obsessive mode" setting.... though that sometimes slips into periods of procrastination!