Published on 12, July, 2020
my daughter is in her early 30's and I am sure that she has ASD. As a child she seemed so normal and sociable but gradually as an adult she has developed more and more traits of the autism that her brother has been diagnosed with. Recently she seems to have lost all the joy in her life -she goes to work during the week and the rest of the time she lives in her room and does not interact with anyone. Over the years I have tried to help her and have persuaded her to go to the GP but all they do is prescribe anti depressants and tell her to contact I talk. I think she needs more specialised help but don't know where to go or how to persuade her to seek that help. Sometimes I feel at the end of my tether as she shows no signs of ever moving out or being independent and she seems to have become increasingly hostile towards me despite my efforts to help her.
My first thought on reading this was is my mum posting on this forum?! This is how my mum describes me; I’m 31, back living at home (saving to buy one day far away), I go to work then spend the rest of my time in my ‘cave’. Tbh work takes all my energy and I need that alone time in my room on an evening simply to recharge! I will find it very very hard to ever be fully independent; I honestly believe we shouldn’t be held to the same high expectations as neurotypicals when we do so well to work and function!
Just noticed that there is a bit towards the end of this Sarah Hendrickx talk on how to encourage a young woman to have an assessment. Part of the Q & A section. www.youtube.com/watch
Hello Sir: thank you for your post. I believe I am a high functioning Autistic person. I was more sociable when I was younger. I can relate to your description about your daughter. When my parents forced me to take medications that I myself know are not required (for me), I got upset. I lived with my parents until I was in my mid30s when they kicked me out of the house. I guess they were thinking that I would be more social otherwise. Now for many years, I live by myself. So instead of being around my parents and alone, I'm by myself and alone. Yes for a long time I struggled to earn, but I began earning in my early 30s. So financial assistance isn't an issue; however, I believe if it isn't one thing or another, my parents will find every excuse rather than the truth to accuse me. Financial, food, water, etc...etc...etc. Just ask why I am not social. The more you beat around the bush, the more upset we become. I am not social because I don't understand the world around me. Everyone is ok with lying. I'm not much of a liar. Here in the USA...from leaders to peons all lie. Basic examples - (from my lifetime) Bill Clinton lied about having sexual relations with a girl in the office; W. Bush and company lied about WMDs in Iraq. 16 years later, no weapons but plenty of oil. Then those who abuse, and no one speaks up as in Michael Jackson, or Harvey Weinstein. The list in Hollywood is almost endless. Even New York City and Boston to Silicon Valley. When the leaders in life lie, cheat and abuse... it kind of trickles down where everyone thinks that lying, cheating and stealing brings success. In sure it does but most of us aren't winners like that. So socializing requires the same skills where people think they are inherently smarter or greater or whatever people socialize about. It is a culture of bullying and harassing as means to generate laughter. Since belittling people is the preferred means...how hard is to make fun of people that don't understand what's going on? When I've been taught that lying is bad, and requiresthousands of lies just to cover up that lie...you see their is no subjectivity in lying. Unlike beauty where the beholder may feel differently. Anywhere you go in the world, these means of socialization are exactly the same. All are taught not to lie. Unfortunately when those at the top of our food chains lie, so does everyone else. So what's the point of socializing where I am ALWAYS the butt of every joke. At some point in life, a realization is made that life isn't going to get any better. For me it was in my mid30s. I guess that's why they call it over the hill. What I do suggest is encourage her to find activities that help her learn her interest. Or, if she is interested in overcoming her autistism...then help her find community college or university classes to teach her why things are. I am now interested in learning sign language. I hope it will help me overcome my inability to understand basic nonverbal communication. I don't care about socialization because nothing good will ever come to me, or of me. What's the point? Now I'm an older man, and no one cared enough about me before, and who is going to care for me now? I don't mean to be rude, but those will only be who found that their ways were wrong early in life. If I didn't to anything wrong, why am I punished by being alone or the butt of everyone's jokes. I don't know, and neither does the team of professionals who are tired of helping me. What have I said that is wrong? We each are forced to live our lives because society has defined the norms. I've been made into an outcast, so what can I do? Best of luck and thanks for posting.
In your post you say that you are worried your daughter will never move out and become independent. As an autistic women work has been absolute torture for me and when working even 4 days a week left me no time to socialise as I've been worn out and needed my evenings and weekends to recover. If you are clear on your feelings about this to your daughter as you are on here, when its clear she's struggling so much with work and what this takes away from her, maybe this is where your daughters hostilities are coming from. As you say you want to help her but then you also want her to focus on something that is damaging to her, you behaviour could come across as very conflicting for your daughter making it difficult for her to trust you.
Like qwerty has said rather than focusing on the label it may be best to focus on the. issues and strategies for overcoming this, For example, if work is the issue as someone with a long term MH condition your daughter could apply for PIP and use this money to reduce her hours. She could also apply for an A2W assessment to explore if any RA at work may help.
Might be worth exploring the possibility of ASD with her if she is interested in the idea. It is possible, given that her brother has the diagnosis.
At the same time, I'm not sure if it's ASD if she was social but later became withdrawn (it's possible that she was masking to be social but was really struggling, but it could also be signs of other things like anxiety or depression). https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-regressive-or-late-onset-autism-260552
perhaps it's most important to focus on what makes her happy, rather than the actual technical term for what she is experiencing. Is she happy in her room by herself? It is a coping method to get some "quiet time" after having to work so hard all week? Maybe if she is already socialising a lot during work, the rest of the evening and weekends can be a break for her? Have you asked her whether she is happy during work? It's still possible to try to get her to engage in more social activities rather than be alone all the time. Do you think she might enjoy a family picnic/travel or something during the weekends (if it's well planned in advance)? Are there any after-work activities that she can join (like work Christmas party)?