Hi all, I am new to this- to be frank, I searched google for Autistic forums. I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. I am in my late twenties. I am a mom , and a girlfriend.When I found out I had Asperger's I wasn't so much in shock at first - as I thought there was a possibility given the way I am (although if you tell people you're autistic they automatically think they're a professional and tell you you're not). When I got my diagnosis - I had just starting seeing someone. Amazing guy- made me feel special and beautiful- we got along straight away - the only man I have ever felt combatable around. I was with him when I found out I had Asperger's (still with him today). He is very supportive of me- specially social situations. When we first met we got into an argument and he brought me flowers- he was annoyed because I had not shown any emotion when he gave them to me (not because I was mad but to be quite honest - I have no flipping clue! inside I was dancing- inside I was sooo happy- no guys done this before- he must really like me to go out his way and get me these- ahhhh :)) that's how I felt inside but the outside showed dead emotion. This happens a lot - sometimes with family and friends , but with my boyfriend? I don't like this.I don't like the feeling of someone I love most in this world to think I'm heartless. He told me something today, something important to him, something that's a big deal (to do with his work).....When he spoke... a lot of thoughts went through my head. Does he want this? How does he feel? Is this new work going to be stressful on him? Maybe he will like it? Maybe he will love it! Maybe he will hate it! This is a big change. A change of routine. A change of workers, work load and I cant even begin to think what else- I think I only feel 5% of what he feels. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle- to try and show him I was there for him- we're in this together! (I don't know if this is an autistic thing but, I feel my hugs show my emotion - guess it don't to others)Anyway, I said to him.... you wanted a change, maybe this is it? I don't know how I feel- you have to do it! Out of all the things on my mind I said … I don't know- its you that has to do it!This has annoyed him...ALOT! I didn't even realise I had done anything wrongI didn't show him much communication- seeing as this is a big thing I should have done and said more.But.... I know this...this is how I felt....its just.not how it came out. Am I heartless? Is it really just me and not my Asperger's?Being told you suck at communication is upsetting enough but to hear it from my boyfriend...who I love so much. I care about every tiny hair on his head! he thinks I don't care!I feel useless, heartless, a *** , a bad girlfriend.... but that was never my intention... I never meant to make him feel like I don't care.Now all that's going through my mind is - is it me ? is it the Asperger's? I must just be evil - but it hurts...my heart hurts. It hurts that he cant feel my emotions - he would be very surprised at how much I do care. I am bothered , I do want to listen , I do want to help and give my advice but when a conversation comes up...…. I do it wrong! I fail as a girlfriend!either way- I feel like complete crap- it brings all my emotions up. When something upsets or annoys me- I get sad. I get sad because I know its my fault. I get sad because I don't realise I'm doing it. I wish I was someone different.
My wife is NT. The situations that you describe are ones I've found myself in many times. The crux of it was: When my wife needed emotional support she can't ask for it directly because she is NT (its apparently awkward and embarrassing) and I can't pick up on the cues to start supportive behavior because I'm ASC. When I was upset she had no clue because my facial expression doesn't vary which made me more upset and her clueless as to my moods that seem to come out of thin air.
For us it was really about communication. She needed to learn to be explicit in stating her needs and not rely and expectation and non-verbal hints. I had to learn to be more explicit about my internal emotions and dialogue so that she could stop guessing what my face meant.
In fact probably every NT/ND relationship ever...!