Am I heartless?

Hi all, 
I am new to this- to be frank, I searched google for Autistic forums.
I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's.
I am in my late twenties.
I am a mom , and a girlfriend.

When I found out I had Asperger's I wasn't so much in shock at first - as I thought there was a possibility given the way I am (although if you tell people you're autistic they automatically think they're a professional and tell you you're not).  

When I got my diagnosis - I had just starting seeing someone. 
Amazing guy- made me feel special and beautiful- we got along straight away - the only man I have ever felt combatable around. 
I was with him when I found out I had Asperger's (still with him today). 
He is very supportive of me- specially social situations. 

When we first met we got into an argument and he brought me flowers- he was annoyed because I had not shown any emotion when he gave them to me (not because I was mad but to be quite honest - I have no flipping clue! inside I was dancing- inside I was sooo happy- no guys done this before- he must really like me to go out his way and get me these- ahhhh :)) that's how I felt inside but the outside showed dead emotion. 
This happens a lot - sometimes with family and friends , but with my boyfriend? I don't like this.
I don't like the feeling of someone I love most in this world to think I'm heartless. 
He told me something today, something important to him, something that's a big deal (to do with his work).....When he spoke... a lot of thoughts went through my head. Does he want this? How does he feel? Is this new work going to be stressful on him? Maybe he will like it? Maybe he will love it! Maybe he will hate it! This is a big change. A change of routine. A change of workers, work load and I cant even begin to think what else- I think I only feel 5% of what he feels. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle- to try and show him I was there for him- we're in this together!  (I don't know if this is an autistic thing but,  I feel my hugs show my emotion - guess it don't to others)
Anyway, I said to him.... you wanted a change, maybe this is it? I don't know how I feel- you have to do it! 

Out of all the things on my mind I said … I don't know- its you that has to do it!
This has annoyed him...ALOT! I didn't even realise I had done anything wrong
I didn't show him much communication- seeing as this is a big thing I should have done and said more.
But.... I know this...this is how I felt....its just.not how it came out. 
Am I heartless? Is it really just me and not my Asperger's?
Being told you suck at communication is upsetting enough but to hear it from my boyfriend...who I love so much. I care about every tiny hair on his head! he thinks I don't care!
I feel useless, heartless, a *** , a bad girlfriend.... but that was never my intention... I never meant to make him feel like I don't care.
Now all that's going through my mind is - is it me ? is it the Asperger's? 
I must just be evil - but it hurts...my heart hurts. It hurts that he cant feel my emotions - he would be very surprised at how much I do care. 
I am bothered , I do want to listen , I do want to help and give my advice but when a conversation comes up...…. I do it wrong! I fail as a girlfriend!

either way- I feel like complete crap-  it brings all my emotions up. When something upsets or annoys me- I get sad. I get sad because I know its my fault. I get sad because I don't realise I'm doing it. 
I wish I was someone different. 

Parents
  • Why not e-mail him - tell him you're rubbish in the moment and don't know what to say or how to react to his emotions until you process it - just admit to him that you're an amatuer in this game and ask for his patience.

    E-mail him and tell him all the nice things you really think of him.   Writing things gives you time to select the right feelings rather than being a rabbit in the headlights when under pressure.

  • Thank you for your reply :) 
    I do find that writing things down is a big help!
    That's the reason I looked online to see if there was a community in which people with Autism can share there thoughts and challenges. 

    I have tried writing what I feel- I have mentioned this to him before (once I wrote something on my phone and passed it to him because I couldn't verbally say it). 

    I never thought of it that way.... having time to process what someone has just said. 
    Is that a autistic thing? I'm not sure what's part of my Asperger's and what's just me at this point. lol

Reply
  • Thank you for your reply :) 
    I do find that writing things down is a big help!
    That's the reason I looked online to see if there was a community in which people with Autism can share there thoughts and challenges. 

    I have tried writing what I feel- I have mentioned this to him before (once I wrote something on my phone and passed it to him because I couldn't verbally say it). 

    I never thought of it that way.... having time to process what someone has just said. 
    Is that a autistic thing? I'm not sure what's part of my Asperger's and what's just me at this point. lol

Children
  • Yep - time delay processing not only the words but the emotions is very common.   Giving him reassurance that you are alive inside will be a big help to him.    From the way you wrote your post, you're clearly a capable person so just let him know how you feel.

    As the realtionship blossoms, you're likey to calm down and feel less anxiety and things will flow better for you as you get comfortable with him.

  • Thank you, I will look into this time delay - never heard of it. 
    Yes , I am totally capable, 'normal' living- which makes it harder to understand the certain things autism effects. Sometimes I just think I'm a heartless/ignorant person- I forget I have Asperger's and maybe the things I do/say are because of that - but then I think NO its just me! 
    *Stressful* 

  • I considered myself totally normal and was only diagnosed at 42.   I am aware of just how much chaos affects me - anything unpredictable or random changes or dealing with people really tires me out with all the processing needed.

    People are a mystery.   They do chaotic things all the time so if you're having difficulty with spontaneity, make sure you plan some nice things in advance.  Approach him rather than get caught off guard. 

    You will probably be stressed when you get home from work/the day so you are likely to need some time to decompress until you are fully receptive and your brain is back in the room and ready for the next challenge. 

    Ask him about his day so you are prepared for him to download rather than him suddenly dumping his day on you.

    Do some experiments yourself to see if adding a small 'quiet time' into your routine makes it easier for you to interact with your BF.

    There's also the underlying stress of 'will he leave me' running all the time in your head - this is actually using up a chunk of your processing power which isn't helping you.   Try to have an honest talk/e-mail with him about your issues to see if you can lower that stress.

    Clear, honest communication is the key.

  • I am totally capable, 'normal' living

    Ah, but there's the rub... it's not 'normal' for you (or any other aspie) - it's NT 'normal'.

    Which means you have to spend effort to behave in a way that is 'their' normal rather than 'your' normal... it's classic 'masking' with all the downside that brings...

    https://spectra.blog/?s=masking

    And yes, you think you're fine... until you 'drop the ball' and you and everyone else are like "WTF!? Why would you do/say that? You're horrible!"

    If he loves you, he'll accept you as you are. FWIW I've found that since getting my diagnosis and not trying so hard to be 'normal' I've actually been easier to get along with and have had fewer 'incidents'... I put this down to the fact that by not constantly second-guessing myself and re-running events after they happen I'm less anxious and this has just lead to all round improvement.