Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I am new to this- to be frank, I searched google for Autistic forums. I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. I am in my late twenties. I am a mom , and a girlfriend.When I found out I had Asperger's I wasn't so much in shock at first - as I thought there was a possibility given the way I am (although if you tell people you're autistic they automatically think they're a professional and tell you you're not). When I got my diagnosis - I had just starting seeing someone. Amazing guy- made me feel special and beautiful- we got along straight away - the only man I have ever felt combatable around. I was with him when I found out I had Asperger's (still with him today). He is very supportive of me- specially social situations. When we first met we got into an argument and he brought me flowers- he was annoyed because I had not shown any emotion when he gave them to me (not because I was mad but to be quite honest - I have no flipping clue! inside I was dancing- inside I was sooo happy- no guys done this before- he must really like me to go out his way and get me these- ahhhh :)) that's how I felt inside but the outside showed dead emotion. This happens a lot - sometimes with family and friends , but with my boyfriend? I don't like this.I don't like the feeling of someone I love most in this world to think I'm heartless. He told me something today, something important to him, something that's a big deal (to do with his work).....When he spoke... a lot of thoughts went through my head. Does he want this? How does he feel? Is this new work going to be stressful on him? Maybe he will like it? Maybe he will love it! Maybe he will hate it! This is a big change. A change of routine. A change of workers, work load and I cant even begin to think what else- I think I only feel 5% of what he feels. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle- to try and show him I was there for him- we're in this together! (I don't know if this is an autistic thing but, I feel my hugs show my emotion - guess it don't to others)Anyway, I said to him.... you wanted a change, maybe this is it? I don't know how I feel- you have to do it! Out of all the things on my mind I said … I don't know- its you that has to do it!This has annoyed him...ALOT! I didn't even realise I had done anything wrongI didn't show him much communication- seeing as this is a big thing I should have done and said more.But.... I know this...this is how I felt....its just.not how it came out. Am I heartless? Is it really just me and not my Asperger's?Being told you suck at communication is upsetting enough but to hear it from my boyfriend...who I love so much. I care about every tiny hair on his head! he thinks I don't care!I feel useless, heartless, a *** , a bad girlfriend.... but that was never my intention... I never meant to make him feel like I don't care.Now all that's going through my mind is - is it me ? is it the Asperger's? I must just be evil - but it hurts...my heart hurts. It hurts that he cant feel my emotions - he would be very surprised at how much I do care. I am bothered , I do want to listen , I do want to help and give my advice but when a conversation comes up...…. I do it wrong! I fail as a girlfriend!either way- I feel like complete crap- it brings all my emotions up. When something upsets or annoys me- I get sad. I get sad because I know its my fault. I get sad because I don't realise I'm doing it. I wish I was someone different.
Ok, firstly - you're not 'failing as a girlfriend', you're being the best girlfriend you can be.
But... because you have Asperger's that's different to being a 'typical neurotypical girlfriend'... and you (both) have to understand that.
I got diagnosed 3 weeks ago at 47 and the thing that 'drove' me to seek a diagnosis was the fact i was constantly upsetting the people around me... I felt like a porcupine surrounded by soap-bubbles...
Everything I did was wrong, I hated being like that. My psychologist has been working with me to help me understand that I'm not bad (I described myself as 'an arsehole' or a 'shitty person') I have ASD and that means I can't be 'good' in the standard neurotypical way.
My psychologist suggested that my wife reads "The Partner's Guide to Asperger Syndrome" by Moreno, Wheeler & Parkinson
This might be useful for your boyfriend to read.
Other than that, I think there are probably people here who can give much better advice than I can!
Thank you for your reply, I know (because of my diagnosis) that some things will be a struggle- even with the people closest to me. But I feel like I'm asking a lot- a lot being should I expect him to understand and accept I'm like this? I never said this about someone - but I love him to much to keep making him sad. I'd rather he be happy (in a dream world- this will be with a better version of myself) but in this world- I cant help but think he deserves better.
It seems you're trying immensely hard to fit into his world and your acceptance of who he is is without question. You're definitely not a bad person or a bad girlfriend from what I've read. He should absolutely accept you, maybe not always understand, but definitely accept. You're in a partnership, meaning 50:50.
As Plastic has mentioned below, writing things down works for me. I have a mental block in the moment, I feel exposed when my emotions are brought to the surface and struggle to handle them. The words are in my head but they don't come out, I know what I want to say but just can't. Instead something stupid comes out if anything at all. When I text or write things down for my other half there's no mental block - it all flows. It's like my hands by-pass the processes my mouth has to go through!
I'll give you a personal example of me 2 minutes ago... Routine was off this morning and I can tell I've upset my girlfriend. So I text her to explain what I've done to upset her (I honestly have no idea but I can tell she's off). She phoned me as I just got to work to clear the air so I don't misunderstand all day. Because that meant speaking I abruptly said I can't talk right now! I've definitely made things worse but she's starting to understand why I do things! I'd have much preferred a discussion over text when I have time to think and process things more accurately. I know deep down after thinking I should have tried to engage with her over the phone, because that's the way she is. This is part of the guilt I feel on a daily basis but actually it's about me staying my comfort zone and I try and fit in with her way of life so much (much like you have explained) that sometimes I need to do things my way, without apology because that's who I am.
I hope that helps in some way.