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Burnout, butterflies and caterpillars

I'm done with Christmas Cards

Just wondering if anyone has been through burnout and feels like they are emerging from the chrysalis of burnout as a totally different being to the one that went in?

I'm still recovering - almost 2 years after the big crash - and all of the masking apparatus that I had constructed over decades was deconstructed in the chrysalis. 

I, as always, feel a need to have everything about my life to date mapped out, recorded, archived, indexed, analysed, understood, curated.

But something different is happening to me now. I'm starting to value the present moment more, and my focus is on the future. I'm starting to think "so what?" if I forget things about the way I used to be, if I fail to archive and index photographs and memories. As someone wise once said to me "Life is now".

I am caring less about what I feel I could/should have done with my intellect for e.g. and I'm more inclined to value just soaking up the sunshine.

Letting go of the need to record and analyse everything (even just mentally) is scary but freeing.

Anyone relate? 

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  • I had a similar epiphany a few year ago when I had a brain injury.   I'm not the same person that I was.  It's like all my masking has been broken and I'm very aware that I'm not the same person.   I can read documents from a few years ago and I don't recognise ever writing it and it's a much higher level than I'm able to do now - like comparing Shakespeare with The Mr Men.

    My language skills are very much reduced and my memory is shot to bits.

    I actually prefer the new me.

    I'm a lot less critical and much more easy going.   I can't work any more so it's nice to let things drift.   Nothing needs to happen in a hurry.

    I spend my life planning what I can do and trying new things.   White water rafting next week - sky diving the week after....

  • in reply to Plastic

    Yes, this, absolutely! I’ve had to learn to mask again since having my brain injury as it totally tore apart whatever facade I had constructed to  disguise my oddness! Losing ability is very difficult to come to terms with though, especially when you’ve previously been used to functioning at a very high and very efficient level!? Do you have difficulties with your long term memory then? My short term memory is ok and my long term memory is still extremely strong, it’s more working memory that I struggle with, which is essentially an issue with the ability to hold more than one thing ‘online’ at once, not memory per se. So previously I could have easily held 6/7 tasks online at once and switched effortlessly between them as necessary whereas now I can only really hold one thing online at a time, if something distracts me or I have to do another task then it displaces the original task and I temporarily ‘forget’ it. It does come back to me though, usually at times when my brain is not as busy or distracted, such as when I’m driving or trying to get to sleep! Personally I find that lists of everything and reminders on my iPhone are my saviour. How about you?

    It totally made me have to re-evaluate and restructure my life though. It’s stood me in good stead for getting an ASD diagnosis actually as a lot of the changes that people start making post diagnosis, I’ve already made them so I don’t need to do so again. I also find I’m more chilled out post ABI. I now have a degree of what I refer to as ‘don’t give a s£&@ness’ (non-clinical term!) it’s easier for me to just leave something rather than continuing to worry about it when there is no point and I’m not going to achieve anything by it. I also found that because of the overlap of ASD and ABI symptoms, I’ve already worked out ways (sometimes quite random) of managing ASD symptoms, which is handy! I’m better at enjoying my life now too. I think that an acute event like that gives you that new perspective, life is for living not just existing!

  • in reply to Kitsune

    Yes I find the reminders App on the iPhone is my best friend. Without that my "to do list" memory works by literally juggling the items so that they each stay prominent, and if another thing comes along when the pattern is full, the whole thing can come crashing down. That's to say nothing about the effort of juggling meaning there's no time for life. With the App, I can put all of the balls down. If someone throws me another, I don'y have to carry it for long; just until it's on the App.

    I've always found things like for e.g. copying results from a spreadsheet into a word document incredibly stressful because I forget what I'm doing unless I can see source and destination together (now I have two screens at work so it's easier) so I believe my working memory is bad. There's also the demon at the back of my brain screaming "This is inefficient and prone to error and should have been automated!".

    I don't know about my long term memory but can certainly relate to what plastic said about having the index but no content.

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    I totally could not live without my iphone! I have spoken to a few people with ASD who have executive function issues as part of the ASD. But I never consider that I did have huge executive functioning issues prior to my ABI, my planning and organisation skills were always very strong. I was always extremely efficient! I'm ok now, I can't complain. But I still miss my old brain :-(

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